


you opiate this hazy head of mine (in case you're my medicine)

by fivesecrets



Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Excessive Drinking, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Multi, Please Read Notes For Own Safety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-01-16 16:42:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 32,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18525511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fivesecrets/pseuds/fivesecrets
Summary: It doesn't matter that he hadn't been broken up with Karolin for very long, Sophia was beautiful, and he was a professional footballer which meant it wasn't unheard of to get into a new relationship almost instantly.Or, in which Kai has a lot of relationships and it's okay until Julian can't hide his jealousy anymore.





	you opiate this hazy head of mine (in case you're my medicine)

**Author's Note:**

> • Title from _'Medicine'_ by The 1975. Inspired from the guitar riff at 36 seconds that feels like love.  
> • The non-flashback elements of the fic are set in summer 2018.  
> • Flashback scenes are written entirely in _italics._  
>  • Trigger warnings: rape & domestic violence. Please read at your own risk.

It was their sixth party in seven days.  He’d told Karolin that he wanted to stay at home and watch Germany take on Sweden, but she’d refused and sent him away to get changed and ready to go out, insisting, “it’s a special occasion!” in reference to her birthday which was almost a whole two weeks ago. That’s how Kai found himself in an unfamiliar club in the dingy backstreets of Leverkusen, watching his girlfriend practically throw herself at some strange guy while he’s sitting ten metres away.

It’s happened too many times for him to count in the past week alone.  Every evening it has been the same: they’ll arrive together, Kai will buy the first few drinks and Karolin, who’s never been able to handle her alcohol in the whole time Kai’s known her, will be drunk before they’ve been in the club ten minutes and will promptly forget Kai’s existence, leaving him to watch her and feel the pangs of helpless jealousy he will never grow accustomed to, not even the other night in Cologne when Kai sat next to the man Karolin was giving a lap-dance to.

When he met her, in another dimly lit club last October, she seemed like everything he’d wanted – incredibly attractive, lovely mannerisms and a kind, soft glint in her eye that had Kai falling faster than he realised.  It was only when they commenced on a relationship that he realised her true character and discovered that the glint in her eye told of something far more dangerous.  He’d loved it for a while, letting himself be caught in her hurricane.  But now he was tired, hurt and wanted to escape.  The ride was long since over.

Kai takes another shot of vodka as he scans the club for her, which becomes increasingly difficult as the alcohol attacks his head and causes the room to swim.  He could try calling for her, but she’d never hear him over the music.  Stumbling out onto the dancefloor would be a recipe for potential disaster with his inability to even stand properly.  He had to wait for her to come to her senses and return to him, with an apologetic pout and crocodile tears in her eyes, and then they’ll leave the club while she talks his ear off about all the amazing men she’d met that night.

He’s so drunk he can barely comprehend time, wonders whether or not it’s worth checking his phone to see the final result of the Germany versus Sweden game.  He wonders if Julian played.

Goosebumps prickle at his skin when he thinks of Julian, who has always been there for him even when Kai has let his girlfriends push him out.  His best friend is at the fucking world cup and Kai missed the game because his girlfriend forced him to come out to a club to watch her while she hit on other people.  He feels like a terrible best friend.

He remembers Julian’s face when he introduced him to Karolin.  His best friend had looked his new girlfriend up and down discreetly, expression unreadable, before turning to Kai and smiling.  But the smile hadn’t reached his eyes, and something in the alcohol causes Kai to hate himself for not calling him out on it.  It was the same fake smile that graced his face whenever Karolin pushed him aside to hold Kai’s hand, when she kissed him messily while Julian stood and waited, when she would surprise him with plans and force him to drop Julian last-minute. 

Kai groans and slams his head on the table.

The impact must jar his vision into focus, because when he lifts his head, he spots Karolin in the dark corner of the club, pressing another guy against the wall while he runs his hands over her body.  He isn’t an idiot, he _knows_ Karolin has been doing more than just borderline sensual dancing, but he’s never had to witness it for himself.  The jealousy rears its ugly head and the feeling knives him so harshly Kai’s left reeling.

Shakily, he gets to his feet, nodding with as much control as he can manage at the concerned bartender, before making his way to Karolin and the stranger.  The two of them are caught in their own world and they don’t see him coming until he screams Karolin’s name and they pull away, the stranger rubbing at his lips to rid himself of Karolin’s vivid red lipstick.

“What the fuck, dude?” The stranger yells, sounding not-very-drunk at all.

“That’s my girlfriend.” Kai says calmly and judging by the lack of reaction from the other man, he knew this.  Kai doesn’t know if that makes it worse.

“You’re obviously a shit boyfriend if she’s getting with other dudes while you’re in the club.”

Rage fizzes in his veins but he knows the media would have a field day if stories of Leverkusen’s hot young prospect punching someone in a club got out and by the look of the place, the people seem like the kind to sell the story to _BILD_ or some other shitty gossip rag in exchange for their fifteen minutes of fame.  So instead, he drops his gaze to the floor and takes a few deep breaths to collect himself, before staring the man directly in the eye.

“You’re obviously a shit person if you knew about her boyfriend and still made out with her anyway.”

The man lunges for him and yeah, Kai is definitely the more intoxicated of the two as the stranger lands a clean punch directly under his eye.  He barely has time to dread the statements to weather the storm with his agent before the man attacks him again, landing another two punches before the bouncers fight through the swathes of people gathering around them and drag them both out of the club and shove them into the street.  He briefly hears Karolin yelling hysterically and he’s still regaining his bearings when she comes careering out into the car park, eyes black with smudged mascara from her tears.

When she makes a beeline for the other man and barely spares Kai a glance, Kai feels the familiar feeling of the first crack in his heart.

“Karolin,” he says, hating the way his voice breaks on the word.  She’s not looking at him.  “Karolin, what the fuck do you think you’re doing?”  She shrugs, still not meeting his eyes, but the way her body is angled towards him shows she’s listening. “How long has this been going on?”

His voice is a broken, drunken mess and he’s not even sure if he’s audible, let alone coherent.  He glances at his assailant, notices a obtrusively, glaring red mark under his eye and facial hair that is slightly too long to be called stubble.

“I only met him today.” Karolin’s voice is so distant.  Kai can feel him losing her as the pieces of his heart start to break and separate and with them, his composure.

“That’s not what I meant.”

Karolin has never played dumb and it’s one of the things Kai loves ( _loved)_ most about her.  When she tells him that she’s been playing around with other guys during their nights out for months and only used him for the oxymoronic stability she craves, in some weird way it’s the best thing she says the whole fucking night.  She even breaks it off with him, which he’s grateful for, before she’s bundling away her conquest before he gets another punch in at Kai for getting him kicked out of the club and disappearing into a taxi.

It’s the middle of June and the city is sweltering despite the fact it’s half one in the morning.  Kai finds his way home through following the dim streetlights and mainly getting lucky that his subconscious mind is still working while the rest of him falls further into pieces with every step.  He's been there before, been  _worse than there_ before, yet somehow the pain still stings fresh and the endless shock waves crashing over him are even shittier than he remembered.

He finds his apartment block and lets himself in shakily, not trusting himself to take the single flight of stairs and summons the elevator, not caring for the obscenely loud noise it makes when the doors open and the fact it may piss off the other people in his apartment.  They could yell at him for three hours and he wouldn’t catch a word they were saying. 

One of Karolin’s coats brushes his arm as he enters his flat.  He stares at it like it’s incriminating, remembers Karolin laughing in the snow while the two of them and Julian had a snowball fight in the field near his flat during the winter break.  She was so beautiful, all blonde hair and bright eyes with drops of snow dusting her hair and Kai remembers the ache he had to kiss her.  He still has it and he already hates himself.

He knows what Jule would say, something about Kai “taking time to heal,” in that stupidly soft and sympathetic voice of his. But Jule _isn’t_ here, he’s in Russia and the game against Sweden ended hours ago and there’s a possibility he could’ve been knocked out the world cup _and_ received a radio silence from his best friend.

The flood of relief when he sees the 2-1 score line juxtaposes the entire rest of his being and it’s almost laughable how fucked up he is.  He strips off and collapses into bed, sends a probably incoherent text of congratulations to Julian, before switching his phone off and staring at the ceiling, willing himself to cry.

He can’t beyond a couple of stray tears that trickle down his cheeks.  His head throbs and he’s still wasted, and the blurriness of his vision mixes with the tears in his eyes and he can’t see so he squeezes his eyes shut.

He feels worse when he wakes at eight, bright light streaming in through the windows and he feels like someone’s stamped on his head, so he turns to kiss Karolin good morning and when he sees the empty space, the events of the night before re-occur to him and that’s when the tears come.  They sting as they fall, and Kai vaguely remembers the strange man Karolin was kissing punching him and one look in the full-length mirror at one end of the room shows his face is bruised in several places.

His flat feels empty without her.

When he switches his phone on, the first thing that pops up is a few messages from Julian.

 **Julian:** thanks!! honestly the scenes after the goal were insane

 **Julian:** marco kept singing

 **Julian:** wish you were here x

 **Julian:** also have you been drinking lol karolin been keeping you busy?

 **Kai:** well yeah she was

He isn’t expecting the three dots to appear immediately.

 **Julian:** what do you mean was

 **Kai:** karolin and i broke up last night

He sees the _‘delivered’_ change to a _‘seen’_ and isn’t surprised when his phone starts vibrating furiously with an incoming call from Julian.  His best friend offers to facetime, but Kai can’t have him know about the fight with the other man because Julian can get scarily protective of him sometimes and doesn’t want to see the look of barely-concealed anger laced across the older man’s face at this time in the morning in his fragile state, so he declines.

“What happened?” Julian says the second the call connects.

“I caught her kissing another guy, so we broke it off and I left.” The line is silent for what seems like an hour before Julian whispers,

“I’m so sorry you have to go through this again.”

He’s right, because Kai has had this before but that was only a fling and he hadn’t even fallen for her, but this time is ten, one hundred times worse because he knew he was falling for the Karolin he’d met, and the actual Karolin was captivatingly destructive enough to keep his attention too.

The silence is awkward, and Kai knows Julian well enough to sense that he is holding back from saying something, but he doesn’t want to cause his best friend to jump on the defensive (like conversations about Karolin had recently often ended up like) so he changes the subject and asks about Russia.

“It’s really beautiful but the plane journeys are so damn long.  Moscow to Sochi was over two hours and it’s the same country!  I could fly halfway across Europe in that time. The matches are amazing, the feeling that went through me when Toni scored that free kick, it was insane.  Everything I've ever wanted and I've finally made it.”

“It sounds amazing. You deserve it, bro.”

“We’ll go together in 2022.” Kai can hear Julian’s smile and imagines them raising the trophy into the Qatari sky.  “Just hopefully we don’t end up like Mario and Marco.”

“Yeah,” Kai says quietly.  His eyes fall on Karolin’s heels in his wardrobe.  He supposes he should collect all her stuff and give it back to her, but if he’s tearing up over a pair of shoes… There’s too many emotions flying and god knows Kai Havertz doesn’t do emotions.

He’s so caught up in his head he doesn’t realise Julian is softly calling his name. 

“What are you going to do today?”

“Maybe go to the gym.” Kai says.  He knows he’s just going to mope, but he can’t tell Julian that, can’t have his best friend worry for him when his mind needs to be focused on the tournament.

“Good.  That’ll get some frustration out.  Kai, I have to go, but if you need anything text me and I’ll get back as soon as I can.” Kai can hear voices in the background that sound suspiciously like Leon and Joshua and wonder what Julian’s getting up to, whether or not he’s beating the team in Fortnite tournaments every night or exploring Russia.  He can’t help feeling wistful that he isn’t with him.

He misses Julian.

* * *

He leaves his flat the moment the text from Julian comes through, mind racing through all the words of comfort he needs to remember to say, all the reassurances that Julian isn’t an embarrassment or a failure no matter what the media may have branded him as.  He knows the headlines are hyperbolic, national embarrassment that will be rectified once Germany become resurgent like history foretells, but he knows his best friend will take every word of criticism to heart and Kai’s worried Julian will drive himself into a rut of unhealthy thinking.

The older man looks dreadful when he opens the door, but then he looks at Kai properly for the first time in a month and sees the fading bruises and his eyes widen dramatically. 

“What the fuck is this?” He raises a finger to the three angry blue marks littering Kai’s face and it _hurts_ how gentle Julian is when it comes to him.  “Who did this to you?”

“It doesn’t matter.  What matters is you,” Kai brushes past him and into Julian’s flat, almost tripping over the discarded suitcase in the middle of the floor.  He hears the door fall shut behind him and knows Julian is about to protest, so he turns back and shuts him up with a hug.  “Don’t listen to them.” He whispers into Julian’s ear, “the media, they’re all just looking to slate you because it sells.  What they say isn’t true.  They don’t know you like I do; you’re a fantastic player who does everything he can to help the team.”

“That doesn’t excuse the fact I’m part of the team that delivered the worst result for Germany at a world cup since the 1930s and that my performances when it really mattered were appalling.” Julian says, causing Kai to break the hug and stare him down.  His best friend’s gaze is challenging, as if he’s daring Kai to argue with him.

“I can’t argue with you for the first bit but if you really believe your performances were appalling then I don’t know how the fuck you’re a professional footballer because you obviously can’t tell a good performance from a bad one.  You were one of the stars of the team and I was so proud of you.” Julian raises his eyebrows and looks seconds away from arguing with him, so Kai pulls him into another hug. “Don’t even try to argue because you won’t win.”

“Thanks,” Julian says quietly and there’s something in his voice, like he’s speaking with a lump in his throat and Kai is filled with a scarily strange desire to protect him.  He looks at Julian, keeping his soft grip on his shoulders, and hates the way his best friend’s eyes glisten with tears.  “Sorry,” Julian squeezes his eyes shut, “it just hurts a lot.”

“I get it,” he says because he sort of does, he’s had devastating losses, but then again none quite as bad as the tearing of Julian’s dreams in as humiliating a manner as his best friend experienced.  “Is there anything I can do?”

“I want to get fucking wasted.” Julian moves out of Kai’s space and towards his bedroom.  Outside, Leverkusen begins to flicker to life as the sun sinks further into the sky, “do you mind waiting for me while I shower?  I need to get this plane smell off me.”

Kai nods and collapses onto Julian’s sofa, scrolling through his Instagram while he hears the running of water in the bathroom.  He gets caught up watching some freekick video from one of the fan-run Instagram pages and doesn’t even notice Julian enter the living room until his best friend plucks his phone out of his hand with one swift movement.  “Fucker,” he curses and flips him off when Julian laughs at him.

The nightclub Julian wants to go to isn’t one he went to with Karolin, so his fears about running into her (and potentially the strange man she left with the night they broke up) are mitigated slightly when the two of them step into the street and Kai’s instantly uncomfortable by the sticky evening humidity.

“Tell me how you got those bruises,” Julian says, so quietly it takes Kai a second to place the meaning of his words.

“I got hit by a ball.  No big deal.” Kai tries to say as nonchalantly as he can, but Julian only makes a noise of discontent and when Kai glances at him, Julian is looking at him suspiciously.

“That person must’ve had it in for you if they hit you three separate times.” Julian remarks and Kai knows the “yeah,” he breathes out, mixed with a laugh, is entirely unconvincing for someone who knows him as well as Julian does. “What was it, Kai?”

Kai drops his gaze to the street and hopes Julian won’t push it, but his best friend just waits silently until Kai’s patience cracks from the awkward tension, “I got into a fight.  Karolin was kissing this other guy and I went over to them and he started yelling at me for interrupting them or some shit and then he threw a couple of punches at me.  Karolin and I broke up and she left with him.”

He risks a look at Julian and immediately wishes he hadn’t, because Julian is staring back at him with clear _anger_ written across his face.  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You were at the world cup! You had more important things to worry about than the events surrounding Karolin and my break-up.”

“You idiot.” Julian says and there’s something unfamiliar in his eyes, “I would always want to hear about what happened to you.”

Kai doesn’t reply and before they know it, they’re at the club and the music is thumping loudly as they walk towards the bar, Kai trying not to think about all the nightclubs he’s been to in the past few weeks and what happened the last time he was there.  He buys the first drink and hates the purposefulness with which Julian downs the alcohol like he’s got something to forget, like he’s still humiliated with how he performed, and the thought prompts him to drink himself to drown out the worried thoughts about his best friend.

They alternate between heavy drinking by the bar (until Kai stops because he needs to at least be conscious enough to take care of Julian) and dancing.  They’re sitting on the barstools, watching the dancefloor get increasingly crowded and the room get hotter until Julian’s shirt is sticking to him and Kai can’t lie and say it isn’t lowkey attractive, when suddenly, in his bleary state, he’s distracted by a vibrating in his pocket.

His phone is ringing with a call from Karolin.

“Who’s that?” Julian slurs, leaning over clumsily to try and read the caller ID.  Kai hovers his thumb over _decline_ , but Karolin had the unfortunate trait of being ridiculously persistent and the convoluted combination of that thought and the alcohol in his system forces him to tap the green _accept_ button without being prepared for whatever his ex is going to say to him.

“Kai,” Karolin says the moment he presses the phone to his ear and Kai can instantly tell she’s drunk.

“What’s up?” He says, not caring about how obvious the anxiety in his voice is because she’s far too intoxicated to ever be able to tell.

“I miss you.  I’m sorry for everything I did,” he can hear her catch her breathe shakily, and wonders for a horrible second if she’s crying, “I should’ve gone over to you instead of him.”

“You should’ve.  Look, Karolin,” he feels Julian stiffen next to him at the mention of her name, “I think we both know we weren’t going to last.” Kai feels dreadful when he hears his ex-girlfriend let out a sniff, because no matter what she did to him he can’t stand seeing people he loves ( _loved)_ cry.  “Don’t cry, please.  I think it’s for the best if we don’t talk for a while and just let things between us close up completely before we try and rekindle a friendship.”

“I want you back.” She whines, loud enough for Julian to hear and _shit,_ because of Julian’s drunken state Kai was not expecting his best friend to snatch the phone from him and start berating her down the phone line.

“Leave Kai alone!” He half-yells, loud enough for Kai to wince at the unfiltered rage in Julian’s voice.  “You chose to get with someone else while you had a boyfriend who would’ve done _anything_ for you, and you don’t get to pick and chose whether or not you’re with him or not!  If you’ve messed other people around in the past, maybe that’s your style, and Kai won’t tell you no because fucking hell he loved you, I know that better than anyone, but I won’t let you fuck him up any more than you have already!”

Julian’s breathing heavily when he finishes his rant and the part of Kai that still loves Karolin feels angry, and it’s such a fucking paradoxical feeling because the rest of him, watching his best friend try to calm down, is half in love with him.  He can hear Karolin’s sobs down the phone and downs another shot he finds on the bar, neither knowing nor caring if it could kill him, and he’s still reeling from the burn in his throat when he realises he can’t hear Karolin anymore. Julian hands him his phone and stands up, legs shaking as he gestures in the general direction of the bathroom and he’s gone, leaving Kai with an erratic heartbeat and tears pricking at the corner of his eyelids.

He rubs at his eyes to rid himself of them when he realises a girl is perching on the edge of the stool just vacated by Julian, pretty face laced with concern.

“Hi,” she says, “are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he breathes, willing his voice not to crack because this girl really is pretty and he doesn’t want to fuck it up, “just an ex being difficult.”

“I know how that is,” she smiles, throwing an appreciative nod at the bartender when he hands her whatever she’s drinking.  She takes a sip and places the glass on the bar, holding a hand out to Kai, “nice to meet you.  I’m Sophia.”

“Kai.  Nice to meet you too,” he replies, shaking her hand. 

“Your friend seemed very agitated when he was talking to her.”

“He’s a couple of years older and quite protective of me.” She laughs slightly, a lovely sound that has Kai wanting to make her laugh again.  “He was so angry at the person that gave me these,” he says, gesturing to the bruises on his chin.  She nods, immediately sensing Kai would rather not maintain that topic of conversation and starts asking him about what he does and makes a remark about her dad not liking him because he’s a Köln fan.  When he asks, she tells him she’s studying German at university and all about her course and her life, while Kai tries and fails not to stare at the adorable way her eyes flutter when she blinks.

They’ve been talking for about ten minutes before Kai realises Julian never returns and sees him sitting alone on the opposite side of the bar, looking exhausted.  Sophia follows his gaze and asks if he’s okay, to which Kai briefly mentions that he was on the world cup squad and feels bad on Julian’s behalf at the way she bites her lip sympathetically.

“I suppose you have to go?”

Kai nods, not even attempting to avoid the slight feeling of disappointment sitting heavy in his stomach.  “He’ll say that we can stay but he’s been down since they got knocked out and he’s probably tired from the flight home.”

“I understand.” She takes another sip of her drunk, “do you mind if I get your number?”

Kai can’t stop himself from genuinely smiling for the first time since Karolin dumped him as he gives his number and social media usernames to Sophia, before she’s gone and disappeared into the crowd and Kai goes over to Julian.

“Do you want to go home?”

Julian looks drunk out of his mind when his eyes roll up to meet Kai’s. “Don’t you want to stay?”

“Don’t worry about me,” Kai shoots a glance in the direction Sophia went and watches the way Julian’s face clouds over when he turns back to him, “you look like shit.  I’m taking you home.”

Julian looks like he wants to say something, but he swallows thickly and follows Kai out of the club without complaint.  His feet drag along the pavement as they walk home and Kai doesn’t leave him at the door to his apartment block like he’s done before, instead helping Julian up the two flights of stairs and unlocking the door for him, because Julian is shaking like a leaf and Kai feels sick with anxiety.

The older boy isn’t meeting his eyes and aims his goodnight smile at the floor before Kai leaves without another word.

He’s too drunk himself to lie awake worrying once he’s reached his apartment, so he kicks his shoes and jeans off and falls asleep almost instantly.

It’s almost midday when he wakes, with only the faintest trace of a headache belying his alcohol consumption from the night before.  He clatters about his kitchen, texting Jule mindlessly and squashing the slight worry about the lack of reply, before he remembers meeting Sophia last night and sends a basic text to her.

 **Kai:** hi, it was really nice to meet you last night and i’d love to try and get to know you better!

He goes back to cooking and watching the world go by beneath him.  He’s eating when his phone buzzes with a reply from Sophia.

 **Sophia:** yeah it was really nice and i’d love to see you again soon.  did you get your friend home okay?

 **Kai:** yeah but he was strangely quiet

 **Sophia:** :( i hope he’s okay!

 **Kai:** he will be, he’s just had a bit of a rough time lately

 **Sophia:** the media hasn’t been kind to them

 **Kai:** exactly

 **Sophia:** i’m sure you’re a great friend to him though

Kai hates how he can’t even accept her compliment because he missed two out of the three matches Julian played at the tournament completely.

 **Sophia:** anyway, as much as i like gentlemen, i don’t see why you should do all the planning so when could i see you?

 **Kai:** i’m free for the rest of this week if that’s not too soon

 **Sophia:** never.  i could even do tomorrow?

 **Kai:** sounds great – we could go to zum claashaeuschen?

 **Sophia:** i’ll meet you there at 1

Kai texts back and the conversation ends as Kai clears his plates away and heads to his computer to play some Fortnite and wait for Julian to text him back.  He plays a couple of games and _almost_ wins before someone snipes him from one hundred metres but despite Julian’s comments, Kai is definitely a better player than he is.  He figures it’s been long enough since he last reminded Julian, so he sends him that sentiment and goes back to playing.

It’s mid-afternoon by the time Kai gets bored and decides to head out for a run.  Leverkusen is stifling, and Kai has to stop when he reaches his favourite park because he’s worried he’s going to overheat.  He sits on one of the benches and watches the people around him, the family with the toddler playing with a football, the two teenagers walking with interlocked hands, the businessman still dressed in full attire talking seriously with someone on the phone.  Kai sits for half an hour until the heat becomes unbearable, before heading slowly back towards his flat, all thoughts of running abandoned.

He tries to ring Julian once he’s showered and has began cooking his dinner, but his best friend doesn’t answer the call.  He sends him a snapchat that doesn’t get opened and posts a memory to his Instagram story, tagging Julian innocently, but he doesn’t get the immediate response like he normally does.  By the time his food is ready, Julian still hasn’t even seen any of his messages, let alone replied.  His best friend is sometimes too busy to reply, but he normally at least opens Kai’s messages and the complete radio silence, combined with thoughts about the depth of Julian’s hangover, has left Kai almost irrationally worried.

He grabs his keys once he’s cleared away his dinner and heads over to Julian’s flat, relieved to find the overwhelming heat from earlier has cooled off somewhat and the evening is warm and pleasant.  He arrives at Julian’s block after about five minutes and buzzes up to his flat, speaking his name when requested, and tries the door, but it won’t budge.

He tries again, but still he can’t get in.  After a third try, he rings Julian.  Still nothing.

With concern beginning to lend itself to fear, Kai tries a final time in vain before trailing back to his own flat, pressing his phone to his ear and willing Julian to pick up.

He’s watching some shitty soap opera three hours later when Julian finally calls him back.

“Hey, Kai.”

“Julian? Are you okay? I’ve been trying to reach you all day.”

“I know, I’ve just seen.  I’m sorry Kai, I just,” Julian stammers, “my mum dropped by to see me and you know how she gets about phones.”

“Why didn’t you let me in when I came over?”

“You came over?” Julian’s voice sounds too surprised for how bland their topic of conversation is, but Kai doesn’t question it.

“Yeah, I dropped by about three hours ago, but you didn’t let me in.”

“We’d gone out on a walk.”

With that, Julian changes the subject, telling Kai all about his parents and how Jannis and Jascha are doing, informs Kai that Jannis will be moving in with him soon with his dream of becoming a photographer starting to take flight, and Kai tells Julian about Sophia and the date planned for tomorrow, but Julian’s voice goes weirdly flat after Kai’s announcement.

Their conversation lasts another thirty minutes but Julian isn’t as talkative and hangs up on Kai with a simple, “goodnight,” instead of all their shitty inside jokes.  Kai's still worried until his phone buzzes with a text.

 **Julian:** i’ve just been feeling a little down all day, i’m sorry

 **Kai:** don't apologise.  is there anything i can do?

 **Julian:** i don't think so

 **Julian:** sorry bro

 **Julian:** i've been caught up in myself and haven't really been in the mood to talk to you about sophia

 **Julian:** i'm really happy for you

 **Julian:** hopefully she treats you better than karolin because you deserve that at the absolute minimum

 **Kai:** thanks

 **Kai:** honestly don't worry about not being there for me, i'm the one who needs to be there for you

 **Julian:** you say that although you did get dumped by your girlfriend of nine months

 **Kai:** i've got a chance with a different girl 

 **Kai:** i'll be okay

 **Kai:** please talk to me if you're feeling down okay jule?

 **Julian:** i will

 **Kai:** promise?

 **Julian:** you're such a fucking dork

 **Kai:** promise?

 **Julian:** okay i promise

 **Kai:** :)

 **Julian:** i'm tired so i'm gonna head to bed

 **Julian:** night bro

 **Kai:** goodnight <3

Julian's status switches to offline so Kai decides to get an early night. He doesn’t look like a panda when he meets Sophia tomorrow and as he brushes his hair out and surveys himself in the mirror, he thanks the Lord that the bruises from the other night are finally starting to fade.

* * *

Sophia is waiting outside the café when Kai arrives five minutes before one.  She looks ridiculously pretty, especially when she spots Kai and throws him a sunny smile as she greets him, before leading him towards a table in a secluded corner.  She makes a casual remark about the heat that seems to be even more unbearable today and that’s it, they’re off and talking avidly like they’ve always known each other, and Kai doesn’t think he’s ever had an early encounter this easy.

She’s laughing at his jokes like they’ve always been friends and her hair catches in the low light, shining chestnut brown and Kai is floored by how much he likes her.  She breaks their gaze when he compliments her, smiling at the floor almost shyly, and Kai’s heart does that dangerous squeeze when he realises that he really, really likes Sophia.

“What do you do outside of uni?” He asks, fighting to keep his voice steady to not belie the thoughts flying around his head.

“I love exploring,” she blushes, “that sounds lame but there’s nothing I enjoy more than going to a new place and seeing what I can find.”

“That’s not lame,” he reassures her, revelling silently in the smile she gives him, “that’s really cool.  I don’t get to see much of other places except the inside of their football stadiums.”

“I went to Bude in England about a year ago and discovered all these secret little coves, but I almost always go alone.”

“I’d like to come with you one day.” Kai says.

“I’d love you to come with me.” She replies and Kai savours the feeling of mutual attractive for probably a couple of seconds too long. 

They fall back into easy conversation and Kai allows himself to stare at her, because she really is pretty, and he really does like her.  His phone buzzes with a text but he ignores it, preferring to listen to Sophia talk about all the interesting, secret things she’s found while she’s been travelling.  She has a golden tan and tells him she was in Turkey the week before with her two best friends, Elicia and Marie, which sounds a hell of a lot more enjoyable than being dragged around the dingiest clubs in North-Rhine Westphalia with a girlfriend just looking to make out with someone else.

“Do you get mobbed a lot?” She asks.

“By fans? Not really.  I haven’t played for the national team yet, and Leverkusen fans get pretty chill around us when they see us walking around the city all the time.”

“You will.  I told my dad that I met you and he showed me compilations of all your best games.  He made me promise to never switch allegiance from Köln to Leverkusen, though.” She laughs.

“You could never.” Kai jokes in response and they’re off again, laughing hysterically at jokes that aren’t even that funny like they’ve known each other forever and didn’t meet just two days ago.

When someone Sophia introduces as Marie comes over and Sophia apologises before falling into conversation about someone Marie met in Turkey, Kai steals the opportunity to study her.  She looks good, _really_ good, black top and denim shorts and her hair falls almost shyly over her shoulders and yeah, Kai is definitely falling already.  It doesn’t matter that he hadn't been broken up with Karolin for very long, Sophia was beautiful, and he was a professional footballer which meant it wasn't unheard of to get into a new relationship almost instantly.

Marie heads off and Sophia turns back to him, smiling apologetically.  They talk for another ten minutes before Kai offers to go on a walk, helping her out of her chair and waving at the shy waitress who clears their coffee cups.

They’re in the Japanese Garden when Kai takes her hand, heart stuttering slightly when she readjusts their grip but doesn’t pull away.  She’s telling him about her trip to Brazil and playing beach volleyball on the Copacabana and the sun’s warm on their skin and everything would be perfect until they turn a corner out of the gardens and almost bump into Julian and Jannis.

“Hey.” Kai says, “this is Sophia.  Sophia, this is Julian, my best friend, and his brother Jannis.”

“Nice to meet you,” she drops Kai’s hand to shake the brothers’ and Kai puts the weird glint in Julian’s eye when she retakes Kai’s hand as a trick of the light.

“You too.” Julian says quietly, not looking at either of them.  Fortunately, Jannis takes the opportunity to make a well-timed joke about Kai that Sophia laughs politely at, so Kai nudges Julian and asks him a silent question with his head, ‘ _are you okay?’_

The corners of Julian’s mouth flick up in a small smile, but Kai isn’t convinced when Julian almost drags Jannis away from Kai and Sophia.  He’s never left Kai that willingly before.

“He’s still a bit down.” Sophia nods.  “Keep telling me about Brazil.”

Kai drops her back at where her car is parked two hours later, uncontrollable smile plastered onto his face as he kisses Sophia’s cheek.  She leaves with the promise of another date on her lips.

* * *

Julian doesn’t talk to him for three days.  Kai goes over to his flat several times, but Julian either ignores his calls or isn’t there when he arrives, because he each time he leaves without seeing him.  He drives down to Cologne and goes to the Ludwig Museum before wandering around the Old Town with Sophia, and accidentally meets her father (who only makes one comment about Kai being a Leverkusen player – “you got off lightly,” Sophia tells him later) in one of the shopping areas.

He kisses her in the botanical gardens in the seclusion of one of the willow trees.  She’s soft against him, all curves and smooth skin, and he can taste her lipstick several hours after he’s told her goodbye.

Julian rounds the corner to his apartment block just as Kai climbs out of the car.

“Jule!” He calls, pulling his best friend into a hug, “where have you been?  You haven’t been replying to my messages for days, bro.”

“My parents took us down to Bremen and I sort of went on an internet detox.  I saw your messages, but I just wanted to be free from everything.” It’s a feeble excuse for the worry he’s put Kai through, but Julian only grins at him to make Kai glad to have him back over anything else.

“Don’t go pulling anything like that again, Brandt.  I get worried you know.”

“Alright, mum.” Julian quips and for the first time since he returned from Russia, he sounds like his old self.  The tournament is still going on, getting down to the business end of the competition, and Kai knows the national team performance will weigh heavily on Julian’s mind for a while longer, but he hopes he can start pushing them back to what they used to be, because honestly, he’s missed his best friend.

“Have you eaten?” Kai asks as he holds the door for Julian, who shakes his head.  “Thank fuck, we can cook together.”

“Do you not remember the last time we--,”

“Shut up and get the knives.”

They collapse onto the sofa with their dinner on trays a little over an hour later, after Julian flicked Kai with flour and Kai smeared butter on his face in retaliation.  Julian tells Kai about Bremen, about how his grandmother presented him with cookies the moment he stepped in the door and his grandfather listened to him talk about the world cup for about three hours without saying anything.

“How are they doing?”

“They’re both great.  I really need to get up and see them more regularly during the season, I miss them.” Julian says, “you should come with me.  My grandmother kept asking about you.”

“Me?” Kai chokes on his pasta, “how does she know who I am?”

“She watches my games, idiot.  Apparently, it’s really obvious how close we are.” Julian purses his lips like he’s about to continue, but he swallows down his sentiment and smiles at Kai awkwardly.  “How’s Sophia?”

Kai doesn’t like the way he says her name, like it’s a particularly vile piece of food that Julian wants to spit out.

“She’s great.  I went to Cologne today to see her.”

“Yeah, I didn’t think you go around wearing lipstick.” Julian smirks, immediately flinching away from the joking punch Kai throws at his shoulder.  “What did you do?”

“Just went walking around the Old Town and went to a museum.  I met her dad as well.”

“Moving quickly?” Julian’s tone is strange, like he’s trying to be joking but there’s an underlying sense of something else that drapes itself across the room and taunts Kai’s thoughts.

“Nah, we just bumped into him, so she introduced me.  He’s a Köln fan though.”

“You’re dating the daughter of a Köln fan,” Julian pulls a face, “surely that’s grounds for breaking up?”

“Just so long as that particular fact doesn’t reach the fans, we might be alright.”

Julian smirks and reaches for the remote, switching on Kai’s TV and loading Fortnite.  “There is only one thing to do when we reunite,” he teases Kai, “time for me to show you who the true God of this game is.”

“Yes, it’s me.” Kai says, catching the controller Julian chucks at him. 

They’re silent for the first fifteen minutes of their game, until Julian takes someone out from eighty metres and starts mocking Kai about his _superior skills._  Kai seeks vengeance but when Julian locates him and kills him, he curses aloud knowing he’ll be subjected to his best friend’s narcissistic crowing until he manages to beat him (which will be in the next game, he swears).  Julian gets eliminated by someone when there’s only a handful of people left in the game, and the screen turns back to the lobby.

“Jannis was talking about heading into the city in a couple of days and doing a photoshoot with his new camera.  You down?”

“Sure.” Kai says, loading up the next game, “has he got any ideas?”

“He has a thing for monochrome,” Julian laughs, “so wear black and white.”

Kai clicks his tongue as he stalks through the game’s setting, trying to locate Julian without his game plan being obvious to his best friend.  It works, because he finds Julian assembling a hut and creeps closer, changing the camera perspective away from him to not give his plot away.

“I swear you weren’t building--- fuck!” Julian yells when Kai kills him.  “You’re a cunt, Havertz, I’m getting you back so bad.”

“Who’s the better player now?” Kai sing-songs while looting Julian’s supplies.  He glances over at his best friend who’s slouching against the sofa cushions, arms folded.  Julian snarls at him and Kai _almost_ gets taken out, but he survives and manages to kill off his attacker.

“Should pay more attention,” Julian snarks.

“Fuck off.”

They both know it’s just a game and they’d never actually insult each other over Fortnite, but some of the comments Julian comes out with while Kai kills player after player are as hilarious as they are ridiculous.  It feels like their long Fortnite session on the night before Julian left for Russia, where his best friend’s eyes were wide and hands shook as he tried to focus on the game, and ended up with them talking over all of Julian’s worries (scoring an own goal, conceding a penalty that causes them to lose, _getting knocked out in the group stages_ ) and suddenly Kai’s racked with guilt because time made him a liar.  It throws him and before he can stop himself, he’s apologised audibly, and Julian is looking at him like he’s insane.

“What are you apologising for?  It’s just Fortnite and we both know I’ll beat you in the next game.”

“Never mind,” Kai feels his cheeks heat up under Julian’s confused gaze.

“No, Kai, what is it?”

“It doesn’t matter, I’m still in the game,” Kai says, eyes flicking back to the screen just long enough to see his stationary character being taken out.

“Now you’re not,” Julian smirks, but then the expression drops from his face and is replaced with the concern Kai only ever sees directed at him when he’s upset, “what is it?”

Julian’s voice is painfully gentle when words dry up in Kai’s throat.  Julian looks up at him through his eyelashes and Kai hates Joachim, the football gods, the Koreans, for causing Julian all this disappointment.  What’s worse is that Julian is still staring at him with that expression that Kai left saw when he broke down in tears over _hitting rock bottom_ , and his heart strains in his chest.

“Kai?”

“I’m sorry, Jule.”

“What is it?” Julian takes the controller from Kai and places it on the coffee table, and it’s only then does Kai realise he’s shaking.

His voice sounds shot when he speaks and it’s _pathetic,_ “I’m sorry for lying to you.”

“What do you mean?”

“What I told you before you went to the world cup about all your worries being unfounded because you were going to go there and kill it.  You did still kill it, it’s just, time made a liar out of me and I feel so guilty for letting you down like that.”

Julian laughs.  He actually laughs and that might be the worst part of all because Kai feels terrible about everything and here Julian is, just laughing while Kai tries to get his shaking hands under control.  It’s then Julian notices his expression and despite his hurt, Kai misses the sound of his laughter the moment it disappears.

“Listen to me.” Julian says, “what happened in Russia was awful and it will hurt for a while, but if you even dare think that you’re to blame for any of it then I don’t know what I’ll do because how am I supposed to counteract a thought that is just so fucking wrong?”

“But you were so worried and--,”

“I know, Kai, I remember well.  But you did what any,” Julian swallows and places a hand on Kai’s neck, “best friend would do and comforted me.  You’re not a fortune teller, you didn’t know what was going to happen in Russia any more than I did, but you reignited my confidence in my skills and I couldn’t be more grateful for that.”

Kai nods, because there’s another stupid lump in his throat and he braces himself for the casual jibe Julian must be about to throw at him.  But it never comes, and Julian’s still looking at him with that anxious gaze and he’s worrying at his lip.

“I’m such an idiot.” Kai breathes, “sorry, Jule.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Julian says, drawing his hand away from Kai’s neck and picking up the controller.  “Another game?”

* * *

Jannis talks excitedly at them as he arranges them on one of the statues by the river.  The bridge is in the background of the shot, which Jannis intends to blur, with Kai on the side with the dimmer lighting to accentuate his matching clothing.  Julian is dressed in white and blue, so Jannis sits him higher, laughing at Julian’s joke about “being taller than Kai for the first time since 2016.”

They pose while Jannis snaps the first few shots, watching without moving while Julian’s younger brother fusses around with lighting and camera settings.

He holds the camera back up to them and Kai’s expression falls back into the serious smoulder appropriate to his setting.  Julian smiles next to him, all light and kind, and Kai’s never been so grateful to have a best friend who compliments him as well as Julian does.

They’re moving over to take some photos in front of Bayer Cross when a car pulls up next to them, rolling the windows and Kai’s heart skips a beat joyfully when Sophia sticks her head out of the window.

“Hey,” he says to her, feeling himself start to smile like a maniac when she grins at him.

“I was with the girls and was about to drive home when I saw you,” she replies, “I can park and come join you if you’d like?”

“That’d be great.  You could properly meet Jule!”

Sophia smiles, already winding her window back up, “I’ll be five minutes.”

“Who’s that?” Jannis says when Sophia drives off and when Kai explains it’s his girlfriend, the one he was with the other day, Jannis’ face lights up and he immediately begins talking their ears off about how he can include Sophia in their photoshoot.  Kai zones out of his excited rambling when his eyes fall on Julian, who is staring at the floor and sighing slightly.

“Jule?” He says quietly, walking towards his best friend.  Jannis seems to notice the strange tension that’s cascaded across the square and steps away, mumbling something about needing to adjust the camera settings and leaving Kai and Julian alone.  “What is it?”

“It’s nothing,” Julian says, looking up with a smile mirroring the one from the photo earlier, but it doesn’t reach his eyes and does nothing to eradicate Kai’s concern.  “It’ll be nice to meet Sophia.”

Kai still doesn’t like the way her name sounds in Julian’s voice.  He’s just about to question him, privacy be damned, when he feels someone drape themselves across his back and smiles when he sees Sophia giggling at him.  He kisses her hello and slides a hand across the small of her back, hiding his concern for her interaction with Julian behind a beaming grin.

“Good to see you,” she says politely.

“You too.” Julian says back and Kai hates he can see the way Julian’s smile doesn’t reach his eyes.  Jannis returns then, greets Sophia and starts talking to her about his plans for the photos but his elation at her excitement to join in does nothing to quash the feelings of doubt between Julian and Sophia – for some reason, the two of them do not coexist well in his thoughts.

The tension increases tenfold when Jannis makes them stand on one of the levelled statues, with Julian on the step above Kai and Sophia, with Kai’s arms wrapped around his girlfriend, who, even dressed in casual clothes, looks as if she’s just stepped off the pages of a fashion magazine.  He’s standing between them, as some sort of dark vortex in between light, and he feels as if the hot Leverkusen sun has dropped out of the sky.  It’s icy, standing between them, and Kai despises it.

Jannis is still clicking but he’s gone quiet.  Julian is stiff, tense, next to him. 

They’re splayed out in the sun, Sophia’s head in his lap, when Kai’s phone buzzes with a text from Lars.

 **Lars:** pre-season party at mine in two days!  bring wives/girlfriends

Kai glances over at Julian, who’s checking his phone for the same text.

“You going?” Julian asks.  Kai nods, before tapping Sophia’s shoulder, trying to ignore the way Julian’s face clouds over in his peripheral vision.  His girlfriend acknowledges him with a quietest ‘hmm?’ and god, Kai is falling faster and harder than he expected for this pretty girl and her lovely mannerisms.

“There’s a party at the captain’s on Wednesday and we can bring plus ones.  Will you be mine?”

“I’d have to see what my dad says,” Sophia jokes.  Kai tries not to notice how out of place his laughter sounds.  “But I’d love to.”

“Come to mine beforehand and we’ll walk.”

Sophia nods and turns her head back to watching the people walk through the city centre.  Kai tangles his fingers in her hair, trying to relax while the tension emanating from Julian ices his bones.

“Who will you take, Jule?”

“No one.” Julian says, but his tone is too serious for the joke. “I think I’ll go home now.  Don’t want Jonathan to rib me about sunburn.” He stands up, does a handshake with Kai and smiles slightly at Sophia, before he leaves, Jannis stuttering a goodbye and races to catch up with him.

Kai hopes Sophia doesn’t hear the annoyance in his best friend’s voice.

She doesn’t say anything, and Kai hopes she didn’t notice.  His relief lasts right up until they’re in Lars’ house two days later and they can’t find Julian anywhere.  He dropped by Kai’s flat before the party and walked with them, chatting amicably with Sophia about her university course, and stayed for the traditional first drink with Kai, but after that he vanished, and Kai doesn’t know where the fuck he is.

Even Jonathan doesn’t know.

Kai learns the hard way to never check the bedroom for lost friends, after he’s sent up there by a cackling Sven and walks right in on Kevin and his girlfriend.  He thanks God they don’t hear him, too drunk and too caught up in each other to notice his silent, accidental inclusion, but he finds it funny for approximately five seconds before his thoughts shift back to a still-missing Julian.

He brushes off the yells of “voyeur” Jonathan directs at him, grabbing Sophia’s hand and making his way into another room of Lars’ house.

The worry sobers him as Sophia pulls him down onto the sofa, kissing at his neck and he wants to relish in the way her lips skin across his skin, can’t stop himself from shuddering when she breathes hot against his pulse point, but he croaks out Julian’s name and stands before she’s even detached herself properly.  The way she whines his name _almost_ makes him stop and sit back down, but his concern for Julian pulls him out the door.

Getting through the crowd of his teammates and their partners is harder than he expected, giving everyone’s drunk and dancing and completely oblivious to the extent of Kai’s concern.  He almost trips over a balloon, a _fucking balloon_ , in his haste to fall out of the French windows that are open slightly.

Outside, everything’s dark and Kai steps timidly out into the fucking field that is Lars’ garden, yelling Julian’s name and listening for a response in the heavy air.  He walks further into the garden until it bends to a sharp right and Kai almost jumps out of his skin when he sees Julian pressing a girl Kai doesn’t recognise against the fence, kissing.

He feels like he’s been thrown into a lake as he creeps out of sight and starts sprinting towards the house.  He almost collides into Lukas and Leon as he trips into the bathroom and just about makes it over the toilet before his throat burns as he vomits.

He’s never been sick before, not even after his heart shattered over Karolin.

_Fuck, that was only a few weeks ago._

Sophia finds him them, maybe Sven sent her, strokes his hair while Kai vomits all the alcohol out of his system.  He flops down against the wall, exhausted, and only returns to sentiency when the door opens again and Julian enters, looking slightly flushed.  The thought churns Kai’s stomach and he throws up things he didn’t even know he had in him while Sophia whispers comforting words in his ear.

“Are you okay?” Julian says when Kai finally raises his head from the basin, spluttering.

“Yeah.  I want to head off though.”

“I think I’ll stay,” Julian looks dazed, and happier than Kai’s seen him in ages, and he hates himself for forcing this Julian away from him, “will you be alright to walk him home?”

“Yeah,” Sophia says, “I don’t think there’s much left in his system.”

Julian helps him to his feet and out of the bathroom, where Lars turns into full over-concerned captain and asks Kai about thirty-five questions before finally opening the front door and letting Sophia almost drag him out.

He tries not to think about Julian and that girl the whole way home, so naturally think about them is all he does.  He can’t deny thinking about her being all over him in Lars’ garden as he stumbles through the too-hot streets, mumbling apologies to Sophia who is being a godsend and the only thing preventing him from careering into a lamppost.

She unlocks his flat for him and when the door falls shut behind them, suddenly Kai’s hit by an urge of affection, pressing Sophia against the closed door just like Julian had that girl against the fence (he takes a second to catch his breath after cursing the girl’s existence to high heaven while Sophia’s hot breath hits his skin).  He can feel himself getting hard, dick already starting to strain against his jeans and it’s so much.

“Is this okay?” He gets out.

“Yeah,” Sophia says into his skin, and he takes her hand and leads her towards the bedroom.  She’s on him the moment they fall back against the bedsheets, prising open his shirt buttons and running teasing fingertips across his naked chest.

His cock almost softens when he thinks of Julian doing this to that strange girl at the same time, but Sophia evidently senses the crack in his courage and kisses him sweetly.  She’s beautiful in every sense of the world, tall and curved and Kai wants to love her, and doesn’t understand why he’s got a barrier around his heart that she just can’t break.

He forgets it for a moment when her hands trail downward and she bites on the sensitive point on his neck, hard enough to bruise, and from then on it escalates into a blur and the only coherent thought he can form is ‘ _fuck.’_

He wakes the next morning with Sophia’s head on his chest.  Blood starts to flow to his cock when memories of the night before resurface, but he’s cut off by Sophia stirring, hair falling into her eyes and the whine she unleashes when she clutches her head.

“Sorry,” she grits out, “I get fucking awful hangovers.”

Kai climbs out of bed, feels his face warm at his nakedness, but he crosses the room and grabs some tablets and a glass of water from his bathroom, before giving them to Sophia, who sighs gratefully.  He tries not to stare at her body, but then some of the sheets fall away and yeah, Kai’s lucky as hell.

He thinks that when she comes into the kitchen with a messy bun and in one of his sweaters that almost comes down to her knees.  She looks _adorable_ and the softness in her voice when she thanks Kai for the food he hands her makes him question why the hell she and Julian are so awkward around each other. 

Their interactions may just be the current bane of his existence.

They're eating in comfortable silence when Kai's phone buzzes.

 **Julian:** did you get home okay?

 **Kai:** yeah, sophia's a legend

 **Kai:** what about you?

 **Julian:** yeah, i'm on my way back now

 **Kai:** did you spend the night at lars?

He almost doesn't want to know the answer.  When it comes through, he  _definitely did not want to know the answer._

 **Julian:** no

 **Julian:** i stayed over at this girl's house i think she's leon's cousin or someone

 **Julian:** her name was elicia

 **Julian:** come to think of it, i think i saw her talking to sophia for a while

 **Kai:** one of sophia's best friends is called elicia

 **Kai:** did you have sex with her

 **Julian:** honestly i don't know

 **Julian:** we definitely slept together but i couldn't tell

 **Julian:** everything from last night is so blurry

 **Kai:** do you think you'll try anything with her

 **Julian:** nah, we agreed this morning that whatever it was was just a one night thing

 **Kai:** fair enough

The wave of relief that washes over him is unexpected, confusing, and Kai doesn't even think _he_ knows what the fuck is going on with himself anymore.  Sophia’s eyeing him bemused, texting someone frantically and Kai would bet his career on it being Elicia.

“Are you---,”

“Elicia?  Yeah.”

“Is she okay?  Jule said she was fine, but I will kill him if he hurts her.”

“She’s telling me it was a casual hook-up and she’s laughing, so I think they’re okay.”

Kai nods, turning back to his toast.  Sophia keeps texting Elicia, giggling at the odd message, leaving Kai to get lost in dangerous thoughts at the way his stomach twisted when he saw Julian with Elicia.  Pressing her against the fence and attacking her lips.  Kai has the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen in his life as his girlfriend and he’s still feeling some strange punch in his gut.

“What are your plans for today?” He asks her.

“I’ve got a class this afternoon, so I’ll need to go home soon.  Training starts tomorrow?”

“Yeah.  I’ll miss seeing you.”

“I’ll still come up to Leverkusen as much as I can.” She says, getting up and placing her plate in the dishwasher.  “I’ll go and grab my stuff.”

Something feels off between them, so Kai follows her into the bedroom and surprises her with a neck kiss, sighing silent relief when she smiles and places a kiss onto his forehead.  He helps her get what things she does have into her backpack, before winding his arms around her waist and kissing her goodbye.

She leaves and if Kai actually puts more effort into doing housework than normal to forget his guilt over his reaction to Julian, no one, especially Sophia, has to know.

* * *

Arriving at Werkself the next morning is almost strange.  It’s been a month and a half since he was last here, parking in his usual spot alongside Julian, and entering the complex, immediately alert for any ambush pranks his teammates may be preparing to pull on him from any angle.  He makes it to the dressing room unscathed and isn’t surprised to only find half the team there, some energetic, others lazy, and there’s Julian, smiling happily as he stands up to hug Kai.

“Ready for the new season?” Julian says to him while Kai pulls his training top on.

“More than you are,” Kai shoots back, dodging to avoid Julian’s punch. Heiko enters the dressing room then, immediately shaking his head fondly at their antics before slapping hands with Lars and makes his way around the team, asking about holidays and whether or not they’ve kept up with their off-season training schedule – if Kai exaggerates how much he’s done, then hopefully his youthful body will be enough to hide the slacking.

The entire team has arrived in the dressing room by the time Kai finishes changing, so he sits on the bench next to Julian, chatting about their dream predictions for the season (Julian calls himself scoring a hattrick against Bayern, while Kai says he’ll score the winning goal in the DFB Pokal Final) and waiting for Lars to stand and make his obligatory speech about Leverkusen’s goals for the months ahead.

Lars’ talk is a lot shorter than normal, preferring to lean on the side of concise instead of droning on (Kai remembers his first time in the senior dressing room when Lars spoke for half an hour and he’s still mocked for being the only player to listen attentively to the whole thing) before they’re heading out for the first training session of the new season and when Julian jogs up next to him during the warmup laps, Kai wonders if he imagined Julian’s awkwardness and dejection in the previous weeks.

They latch onto each other immediately when Heiko asks them to pair up, lazily passing a ball between them before heading into a rondo with Jonathan, Kevin, Leon and Paulinho.  Kai attempts to zone out when Leon begins teasing Julian about going home with his cousin, but the heavy feeling in his stomach when he sees the blush and embarrassed smirk on his best friend’s face makes it impossible.

Kai takes out the feeling by hitting the first free kick he takes directly into the top right-hand corner, revelling in the shouts of approval from his teammates.  Julian follows him and curls his far wide, flipping Kai off when he reaches him before the younger one has a chance to even open his mouth.

It’s a relaxed session and it doesn’t really hit Kai how much he’s missed how easy it is to forget the drama of his personal life when he’s on the football pitch, until they’re in the middle of a training match and he and Julian are linking up like they always have.

Heiko insists on playing his best friend down the centre, so their connection is a little disjointed from Julian trying to curb his natural instinct to swerve to the wings, but when Kai fires a shot past Lukas, the new keeper, off a pass from Julian, he smiles reassurance at his best friend.

He texts Sophia when he leaves the dressing room after practice and finds out she’s got another class to do before she’s free, so he accepts Sven’s offer of going over to his place with as many members of the team as he can manage for a FIFA tournament.

He follows Julian the whole way there, flops down next to him on one of Sven’s sofas and waits for their captain’s twin to organise the games.  Julian volunteers to team with Kai, and they’re up first against Kevin and Leon, playing as Liverpool while the other two select Barcelona.  They smash their rivals (although no matter what Julian says, it’s mainly because Leon is the _worst_ FIFA player Kai has ever met in his life), before they’re pitted against Lars and Sven who are not-so-secret masters of the game and they lose, meaning they have to give up their controllers to the next challengers.

The twins last a good two thirds of the team unbeaten before they’re finally ousted by Paulinho and Lukas, earning them the team’s instant respect and plaudits.  Kai and Julian are up again and go one down to the newfound FIFA gods within a minute, which earns them immediate mockery from a good twenty grown men.  Kai’s phone starts ringing mid-match and with one glance sees one of the photos he took with Sophia glowing back at him.  He’s almost glad when they lose, and he texts his girlfriend the moment he’s back on the couch.

 **Kai:** hey, you free now?

It takes a couple of minutes for his girlfriend to reply.

 **Sophia:** yes, i pulled over when i got your text.  want me to meet you at your house in fifteen?

 **Kai:** sure

 **Kai:** see you soon baby x

He stands up and announces he has to leave, wiggles his eyebrows jokingly at Karim when he makes a suggestive comment and snickers when Lars runs up to him and starts speaking to him in a dull, dreary tone about “using protection.” It makes the whole room burst out laughing, all except for Julian, who seems to have reverted into his dissociate state the moment Sophia was mentioned.  Kai gets out of there immediately, and when Sophia greets him with a peck when he pulls up at his flat, he tries not to think about the way he felt the other night.

They cook dinner together and then Sophia turns on the television and they watch England play Croatia in the world cup semi-final.  He finds himself rooting for the English when Trippier curls a free-kick into the top corner not even five minutes into the game, but it’s all superficial as he watches the final slowly slip away from the island nation’s grasp and doesn’t feel a drop of remorse for them.  Rakitic creeps in behind Stones and that’s it, Croatia have won, and they’ll be playing France on Sunday while the English fall to their knees, dejected.  The white of their shirts as the camera circle them reminds him of Julian, and he has to switch the TV off at the memory.

“Are you staying?”

“I can do,” Sophia looks at him, a glint of mischief in her eyes and that’s all it takes for Kai to lean over and kiss her, swallowing her noise of surprise when he swipes his tongue across her lips.

He wakes the next morning and makes her breakfast in bed as he pulls on his training kit, waking her up gently and placing the tray of her favourite cereal and juice on her lap.

“You’re the best.” She says, voice hoarse from sleep and Kai can’t wait for his next off day because that voice is so, so attractive to him.

“I try.”

“What time do you have to go?”

“I have to be there in an hour.”

She nods, “do you want me to be gone?”

“No,” he says, leaving the bedroom and returning seconds later with a box, “I got you a key.  It might be moving fast, but I hope mornings like this might be quite common and I want you to be able to let yourself out when you need to.”

It’s when he sees Julian, all messy blonde hair and blown pupils, that he forgets the attraction of Sophia’s voice and if he’s taking a couple of extra-long glances at his unaware best friend, it doesn’t mean anything.  Julian just looks really fucking good today.

(He does every day, but Kai shakes his head to clear himself of the thought as soon as it comes).

Sophia texts him as he’s chatting with Julian as they cross the car park, and the moment he responds, his phone vibrates with an incoming call from her.

“Hey babe,” he says, noting the way Julian doesn’t laugh at the obvious seduction in his voice.

“Hey.  How was training?”

Kai tells her about the wondergoal Julian scored during the training match that day, where he thundered the ball off a pass from Sven thirty metres into the net.  He compliments Julian excessively, hoping his best friend is listening, when Sophia interrupts him and begins complaining about her classes.  He listens attentively, but his heart sinks when Julian only reciprocates his attempted handshake half-heartedly and climbs into his car without a backwards glance.

Before he knows it, Julian’s pulling out of the training ground as Kai sits in the driver’s seat as Sophia drones on, eyes following Julian’s car until it’s long past out of sight.

When he’s finally able to convince Sophia to hang up to let him drive home, he almost turns left out of the training centre to go over to Julian’s house, but then he remembers Julian mentioning Jannis coming over from Cologne and decides he has to at least go home and change beforehand. As he drives, thumb tapping rhythmically against the steering wheel, he realises he has to find out what’s going on with Julian sooner or later.

He makes it over to Julian’s flat three hours later, after changing and spending another two hours on the phone to Sophia.  When he arrives, Jannis answers the door and throws his arms around him.

“Kai!” He exclaims, even though it’s only been a week since he last saw him, “is your girlfriend with you?”

“No.” He doesn’t say anything about the way Jannis’ face floods with something like relief as he steps aside to let Kai in.  Julian’s sprawled out on the sofa, eyes flickering over the view of Leverkusen, unaware of Kai standing behind him.  Jannis taps him on the shoulder, holds a finger to his lips and directs Kai to creep up behind Julian, the both of them placing their hands on the eldest’s shoulder and laughing like children when he jumps.

“You’re both cunts.” Julian rolls his eyes, turning away from the two of them.

“Everything okay?” Kai asks.

“Fine.” Julian mutters.

“Can you---,” Kai says awkwardly to Jannis, who luckily takes the hint and starts fumbling his words as he retreats towards the guest bedroom.  When the door falls shut behind Julian’s younger brother, Kai’s attentions turn back to his best friend, “Jule? What is it?”

“I said everything’s fine.”

Kai nods, swallowing as he tries to think of what to say.  He knows Julian is liable to snap if he’s pushed, but he’s been underlyingly worried about him for weeks now.  His best friend is still not looking at him, despite the fact the sun is sinking rapidly into the sky and the city lights are starting to come on.  He sits next to him, places his phone on the table, and waits for Julian to speak.

He doesn’t.  Every minute of agonising silence feels like they’re separating.

“Julian? Are you leaving?”

He doesn’t know where the idea comes from before the words tumble out of his mouth and he doesn’t think he’s been more terrified in his life than at the precise moment Julian’s expression blanches.

“No.”

“I’ll stay here until you tell me what’s wrong.” As if on cue, his phone rings with a call from Sophia.  She looks beautiful even in photographs, but Kai is scared by how easy it is to take his eyes off her and take in the man next to him.

“Shouldn’t you take that?” Julian says, a sound terrifyingly close to hate laced icily in his voice; a tone Kai has never, in their two years of friendship, heard aimed at him.

“No.”

Julian looks like he wants to say something else (Kai doesn’t know when a barrier formed that meant Julian is suddenly unable to tell him everything he’s thinking, but god he’d do anything to discover the secret to knocking it down), but then his head dips away from Kai and for a horrible second, he looks like he’s about to start crying.

“What are you hiding from me, Jule?” Kai says, hoping his soft voice isn’t drowned out by the incessant buzzing of his phone that seems to be the backing track to his life since he met Sophia.

“It’s not important.”

“Except that it obviously is.”

“It’s just me being stupid.  Don’t worry, Kai,” Julian says and the fight to keep his voice steady is so obvious, Kai can’t believe a word he’s saying.  “Do you want to play FIFA or something?”

Kai agrees reluctantly because he can’t keep Jannis away forever without Julian’s brother becoming suspicious, so he calls Jannis back in and takes the controller from Jule as he sets up a Squads game on Fortnite.

 _‘It’s like the old days,’_ Kai thinks as the three of them play and throw casual jokes at each other, bragging ceremoniously about every kill they manage to garner in gross overstatements of their ability.  The only things stopping him from enjoying it completely is the trace of dejection in Julian’s voice and the insanely frequent text messages he receives from Sophia.

(He worries about Julian the entirety of the way home, and then at training the next day, and the day after that, until it gets to the point that he starts to think the old Julian has gone for good).

* * *

 

Sophia’s waiting for him when he arrives home from training three days later.  He wasn’t expecting her, but he pushes open the door and then she’s on him, lips covering him before he even gets chance to breathe out a “hi.”  It’s awful, because she’s looking at him suggestively and he doesn’t have the heart to tell her he’s supposed to be going over to Julian’s to go and eat dinner.

“What are we doing about food?”

Kai shoots off a quick apology to Julian and throws his phone into his bedroom, unable to force himself to look at the reply.  He likes Sophia, he really, really does, but he feels like he’s losing Julian and breaking the one promise he’s always sworn he’d keep.  That no matter what, no girl or guy would come in between their friendship.

“I have some stuff in the kitchen if you’d like.” He says, gently prising her off him and leading her into his kitchenette.

“I’d rather go out.” Sophia answers, already reaching for her thin jacket.  She’s halfway out the door when he figures he needs to follow her, trying not to drag his feet and wonder when this relationship became a drain on his life.

He almost forgets the feeling when she smiles at him from across the table in the loveliest restaurant in Cologne, but then her eyebrows knit in confusion and Kai turns to see none other than Julian and a strange guy who looks weirdly familiar sitting a few tables away, so engrossed in conversation he’s sure they haven’t noticed them.

Eating a romantic dinner with Sophia with Julian metres away, _with a guy,_ is one of the most awkward experiences of his life, and she makes it worse when she grabs his hand and insists on going over to speak to them.

“Kai!” Julian says, forced surprise in his voice, “what are you doing here?”

“I’m on a date.” Kai answers, eyes flicking over to the unfamiliar boy on the other side of Julian’s table, “and you?

“Well, same.” Julian’s voice is painfully awkward, “this is Max.”

“Nice to meet you, bro.” Max holds his hand out, eyes finally meeting Kai’s and _shit._ Because now, Kai can see the unmistakable mark under his eye and the slightly too oppressive facial hair, and he knows _instantly_ where he knows Max from.

“You too,” he gets out, before rushing a “bye,” at Julian and pulling Sophia out of the restaurant as fast as he can, willing his heart to stop racing.  They’re just driving back into Leverkusen before he’s even able to force himself to speak.

“Him?” He says, not caring that he sounds incoherent, “Julian is dating _him?_  The man who broke up me and Karolin?  How the fuck did this happen?” His thoughts voice themselves as a stream of consciousness and Kai’s pretty sure he’s going fucking insane already, and the thought does nothing to calm him down.  Sophia is silent in the passenger seat, eyes on her phone as Kai’s anxiety rises in his throat and he’s sure he shouldn’t be fucking driving in this state but they’re so close to home it shouldn’t matter that he’s starting to swerve.

He manages to get them back in one piece, not caring about the annoyed look on Sophia’s face when he shrugs off her kisses and goes straight to bed.

He’s tortured all night by dreams of Julian and Max, of them kissing, of Max being rough with them in all the ways Julian has confided that he hates.  He awakes with a racing heart and an acidic feeling of _jealousy_ settling in his stomach. 

He’s the first one to training that day.

Quarter to ten strikes, then ten, then quarter past and they’re filing onto the field and Julian still isn’t here.  He doesn’t attend the training session at all, which is something he’s never done before unless he’s been sick, and no one knows where he is, asking Kai if they’ve seen him and not being able to hide their confusion when he tells them “no.”

Eventually, Lars pulls him aside,

“Are you covering for him?”

“I wish I was.”

“When did you last see him?”

“I saw him last night, on a date.”

Lars’ eyes narrow suspiciously but he lets Kai go without further questioning.  Training gets called off early, despite the fact they’ve got their first pre-season game in a couple of weeks, and Kai barely speaks to Sophia all night, trying not to think of Julian and thinking of nothing else.

His best friend (if he can even call him that anymore, given they apparently don’t tell each other anything) doesn’t respond to any of his texts, but saunters into the dressing room the next morning like he’s never been away.

“Hey, Kai.” He says, glare already forming, “what’d I miss?”

Kai barely has time to open his mouth to speak when Julian’s grabbed by Lars and pulled out of the dressing room.  He’s barely on time for the training session, coming out smirking and looking nothing like Kai’s best friend.  His behaviour worries Kai the whole three hours, from his horrible comments aimed at Jonathan, to his open slagging off of Heiko and Lars and worst of all, the borderline abuse he yells at Kai whenever he does anything remotely wrong.

Kai leaves the training complex still wearing his fucking cleats, if only to avoid Julian and his hostile gaze.  He knows he should feel like the worst boyfriend ever when the thought of snapping if Sophia is in his apartment when he arrives home, but he can’t bring himself to care.

He doesn’t realise Julian has followed him home until the older climbs out of his car after Kai’s parked.

“Are you going to let me in then?” Julian says, voice so foreign and eyes dark with something that looks close to _hatred._ But Kai is so fucking confused at the sudden shift in their dynamic he holds the door for him, all the while detesting the familiar yet totally alien silence that falls around them.  He turns to Julian when they’re in his flat, and for a brief second, he wonders if he’s somehow high because there’s no evidence of the malice written on his face seconds ago, and it’s replaced with something Kai can’t place at all.

The thought scares him even more than the hatred.

“I have tried---,” Julian starts at the exact same time Kai begins with, “when did you start----,”

They stare at each other.  The air is suddenly very heavy and Kai wonders if he even remembers how to breathe.  From the dazed look on his face, he’s sure Julian’s somewhere on the same wavelength as he is.

“You first.” Julian breaks the silence.

“When did you start seeing Max?”

“That was my first date with him, but then you bolted when you saw him, and he told me where he knew you from, so I got up and left.  I was a couple of cars behind you and spent the whole drive on the verge of a heart attack because your car was swerving uncontrollably.”

“Where were you yesterday?”

“I couldn’t face you.”

“Why not?”

“I kept something from you because I didn’t want to hurt you.” Julian spits, and Kai doesn’t know when this conversation turned threatening, but his bones are icing like they do before a big match and suddenly he feels _furious_.  “I didn’t tell you that I saw Karolin kiss other guys when she was with you.”

Julian finally has the decency to drop his gaze while his words settle in the air between them.  He feels weirdly fine for a second, save for the deep breaths his body is forcing through him involuntarily, until the meaning hits him, and the fleeting fury heats into unfiltered rage.

“How many times?” Kai says, anger so obvious in his voice his words are incomprehensible. 

Julian doesn’t respond.  Kai can see him mouthing something in the silence that threatens to burn the whole fucking room down.

“How many times?”

Julian’s voice sounds so out of place when he mumbles, “seven.”

Kai feels like the fire in the room is real and it’s choking, but as he fights to get his words out before he’s smothered by smoke, Julian gets there first.

“I know, Kai.  You don’t need to tell me I should’ve told you, because it’s not that fucking easy.  It’s never that fucking easy with you, it hasn’t been for years and I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE I CAN TAKE!”

“WHAT THE FUCK, JULE?  CALM DOWN!” Kai yells, perfectly aware he’s doing the opposite of what he’s just demanded of the older one.

“When did this become what we are?” Julian’s voice is pure, uncensored hurt and fuck if that doesn’t make Kai want to fling himself off a building.  “When did our friendship turn into this fucking SHAMBLES?”

“WHEN YOU STARTED PULLING AWAY FROM ME!  SINCE YOU’VE BEEN BACK FROM RUSSIA, YOU’VE BEEN OFF WITH ME AND I DON’T KNOW WHY? GIVE ME ANY OF THAT SHIT ABOUT BEING DEPRESSED FROM THE DEFEAT OR THAT I HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING, BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN NORMAL WITH OUR TEAMMATES BUT WHENEVER I TRY TO HANG OUT WITH YOU, YOU PULL AWAY FROM ME AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I’VE DONE!”

His walls are thin.  He knows his neighbours can hear.  His blood is fire in his veins.  All this and all he can see is the walls caving in around Julian.

“Kai.” His best friend sounds _broken_ , and half of Kai wants to pull Julian into a hug, but the other half hates him so fucking much and it’s the most and least he’s ever felt. “Listen to me.”

He doesn’t even recognise his voice as his own when he says, “okay.”

“Every time you get into a relationship, and it ends shittily, I am there to pick up the pieces for you.  With Anja, Cara,” Julian closes his eyes like he knows the next name will going to stab Kai’s heart, “Oscar.”

“Don’t you fucking dare---,” Kai starts, but there’s that fucking smoke again and he thinks he’s dying when Julian shuts him up with a single glare.

“I have been there for you, Kai.  I stood by the promise I made you, and you have too, until now.  When you said Karolin had dumped you, I was so fucking close to getting on a plane and coming home to check you were okay,” Julian laughs bitterly and it’s then Kai realises the stains on his cheeks are from tears, “but no, when we got knocked out I find you with this new girl, and she’s absolutely stunning, and you looked so fucking _in love._ ”

“You didn’t want me to be in love?”

“I didn't mind at the time.  I thought I could deal with it.” Julian’s voice is void of all emotion and he’s laid bare for Kai to pick apart, if only Kai could form one thought that isn’t _what the fuck_.  “But now you’re breaking that promise.  You never have any fucking time for me anymore and I hate it so much and I don’t think I can go through comforting you again.”

“Sophia wouldn’t do that.” Kai says feebly.

“Wouldn’t she?”

He doesn’t think she would.  But he also doesn’t think he wouldn’t.  He steps closer to Julian.

“I hate you.  I hate you so much, Kai.” Julian says, but he steps closer to Kai and it looks like he’s on the verge of punching him when Kai _finally, finally realises._

“You’re in love with me.”

He’s just about finished speaking when Julian’s fist connects with his nose.  He falls backwards, trying to staunch the almost immediate flow of blood and staring at the shocked look on Julian’s face.  For the first time for the whole day, Julian looks like himself, and it’s the weirdest fucking sense of relief Kai’s ever felt.

“Fuck, Kai, I didn’t mean to do that,” Julian stammers, leaning down and holding up the sleeve of his white jumper against Kai’s nose, lips scarily close to Kai’s ear as he whispers, “I can’t do this anymore.”

The word spins out of fucking control.  The fire is gone, but it’s replaced by smoke thicker than Kai’s ever inhaled in his life, and Julian’s looking at him and well, _fuck._

“What can’t you do?”

“Watch you get hurt when I’ve been madly in love with you since I met you.”

“So that’s why you’ve been pulling away?”

“Yeah.  I’m sorry, Kai. I was just so fucking jealous,” Julian laughs wetly, “I think your nose has stopped bleeding.”

Julian’s stepping away from him, heading towards the door and no, Kai won’t have that, so he throws himself in front of his best friend and stares him down until he stops moving.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t know how to.  You were always in these relationships.  New person after new person and I was just _there_ , the only constant in your fucking reckless life and I knew it was stupid because you could never love me like I do, god knows you don’t do feelings like I do.”

“I do, Jule---,”

“I should’ve told you.  But hey, you know now, so I guess I’ll go.”

“Stay.”

“I can’t.  Your girlfriend will be over soon,” Jule points to his pocket and it’s the first time Kai notices the never-ending vibrating, “and I think she saw through me the first time I met her.  Please, if it ends, find someone else to be your support because I love you too much to be able to help you.”

Julian leaves and Kai just lets him.  He’s frozen to the spot for minutes, eyes fixate on a particularly bright light emanating from the city centre and it’s at that exact moment he realises that _fuck, he’s in love with Julian too._

* * *

_He’s 17 when he gets together with Anja, although he’s known her for several years before then.  They went to school together and were in a lot of the same classes (he’s listened to her recite ‘Atonement’ by Ian McEwan in English class way too many times), but she always had boyfriend after boyfriend and Kai was focused solely on football._

_It’s late July, a couple of weeks before the Bundesliga season begins, and suddenly Kai’s upcoming debut is the talk of the school.  He’s at a party at one of the other guys from the school team’s house (not that Kai plays for them anymore, but he’s still friends with all his teammates), trying to stop the slight spinning of the room while the music and chatter just seems to get louder._

_Anja comes over to him then, flanked by some girls Kai recognises but can’t place.  She’s incredibly attractive and knows it, hence the way she flicks her blonde hair over her shoulder and lowers her eyelids at Kai seductively, sitting so close she’s practically on his lap, black dress hiked dangerously high up her thighs._

_“Congratulations,” she drawls, “you’re the talk of the school now.”_

_It might be the alcohol, but Kai feels a bravery he’s never had when talking to girls before running through him and he loves the thrum in his blood.  In the background, there’s a quiet opening of one of those soft rock songs that sounds like a drug trip recreated audibly, and it fits Kai’s hazy perception perfectly.  What doesn’t help is the strum of a guitar riff which sounds like falling in love, just as Kai makes eye contact with the blown look in Anja’s eyes._

_She’s trouble.  He’s known her long enough and while he avoids judging women by the number of guys they’ve dated, Anja seems to wear hers like a dress and if it wasn’t for her perfume, Kai thinks he could probably smell the danger coming off her._

_He decides he loves it._

_“Thank you,” he says, not caring how drunk he sounds.  “Why have we never spoken before?”_

_“We have,” Anja smiles, “there was that time in Maths when I needed your help, and that time where we had a game of football against one of the other registration groups,” Kai vaguely remembers the other class moaning about him being allowed to play, “and I’ve always wanted to speak to you anyway.”_

_“What’s this song?” Kai asks dumbly, because he’s too drunk to comprehend whatever the fuck Anja just said._

_“Medicine by The 1975.”_

_“The singer sounds like he’s on drugs.”_

_“That’s because he is.” Anja laughs at him.  He can see her leaning closer and it surprises him just how okay he is with it.  “Why did you never notice my attempts to flirt with you?”_

_“I was so focused on football,” Kai laughs.  Fuck, he’s so warm and the soft expression on Anja’s face is only making him feel like his stomach’s doing somersaults, “but now I’m about to make it.”_

_He briefly thinks the singer of the song (who is now singing about his lover opiating his head and god, if that doesn’t make the utter confusion that Kai is currently feeling sound so fucking beautiful) is more sober than he is.  That’s when he leans in and Anja’s on his lips._

_He pulls away and suddenly all the team is crowding him, a mess of drunken congratulations for getting with the hottest girl in the year, before he shoves them all away, searching for her in the mess of bodies.  His lips tingle with the remains of the feeling of Anja against him and he needs to feel it again as soon as he can._

_She pulls him from the party at one in the morning, heading back to hers and after she checks he’s okay, that’s when Kai has sex for the first time._

_He wakes the next morning with her hand draped over his bare chest and her legs slipped in between his and he’s never felt so happy in his life._

_They don’t last.  Kai was naïve enough to not expect it, even when his girlfriend has the history of Anja.  He thought he’d be different, that he and his newfound rising fame would be enough for her, but then she texts him two nights before the first Bundesliga game against Gladbach saying she’s found someone else and she’s ending their relationship._

_He doesn’t make the squad, and honestly, he’s glad.  He doesn’t want to drag his feet onto the coach and sit next to someone from the squad, who all have been very welcoming but he’s struggling to make any real friends, and converse with them about the game._

_He cocoons himself in his bedroom for the next few days, hiding from the world.  He doesn’t watch the game, and it’s the first Bayer game he’s missed in years, but it’s probably for the best because they lose, and that only serves to darken his already sour mood._

_The team return the next day, all in similar damp spirits from the loss, so Kai isn’t expecting any of them to notice his pain, but Julian Brandt surprises him when he collapses down next to him and starts asking him what’s up._

_“My girlfriend left me.”_

_Julian turns out to be amazing.  He stays with Kai for the rest of the tactical session, the attentions already turning to their next game against Hamburg, and while Kai doesn’t think he’ll be in the squad, he still allows himself to be a little starstruck at the way the Bundesliga works._

_When they leave the auditorium later that evening, with the day off the next day, Julian jogs up next to him and tells him to be ready at 9AM the next morning. Kai’s confused, but he’s waiting outside his apartment when Julian pulls up right on time.  He takes him to a theme park in Cologne, and they get to act like idiots all day without being disturbed and Kai goes home feeling much, much better._

_The next day, Julian partners with him in training.  The two of them have been pretty much inseparable ever since._

_••••••_

_It takes him a while to completely get over Anja.  He makes his Bundesliga debut and watches his whole life change, but he’s still going to school and still has to sit across from her in Maths when part of him wishes he could cut her out of his life like she never existed._

_He spends increasing amounts of time with Julian, meets his brothers Jannis and Jascha, sits next to him on the bus and finally feels like a member of the squad.  He makes the trips to Bayern, to Dortmund and gets to watch some of his idols play (no matter what Julian says, he definitely does not squeal after Thomas Müller ruffles his hair in greeting).   He doesn’t score, but plaudits for his performances start to roll in and that’s when he gets the direct message from Johanna._

_She’s an up and coming model and when he agrees to meet her in person, he’s stunned by how conventionally attractive she is.  She looks him up and down with her dark, dark eyes and tucks her immaculate hair behind her ear and Kai is gone just from looking at her._

_When she proposes the relationship as mutually-beneficial because she gets exposure by dating him and he avoids the constant media speculation of a hidden girlfriend, Kai agrees instantly.  There’s no official announcement, just she suddenly begins appearing on his Instagram and wearing his shirt at games, and the rumours write themselves._

_Julian finds out when Kai’s interrogated at one of the team parties by an incredibly drunk Bernd and instantly joins in with the goalkeeper’s incessant questioning.  Kai thinks he’s recounted Johanna’s entire life story by the time Julian finally loses interest, but his newfound best friend looks genuinely happy for him, right until he meets Johanna at Werkself after practice one night._

_He isn’t expecting her, so he’s labouring next to Julian as they discuss some new update on one of the video games they play together, until she calls out to him and Kai physically drags Julian along to meet her.  His teammate is polite, but Kai can hear the uncertainty creeping into his voice the longer they spend interacting.  Johanna grabs his hand and pulls him over to her car, kissing him messily despite the fact Julian is standing there awkwardly.  But when they finally break apart, Julian is nowhere to be seen._

_She loves the spotlight, and Kai feels himself starting to love her while the rest of the world starts to go crazy around him – he sees headlines of interest from clubs like Bayern and Liverpool and even though he’s not even eighteen yet, the whole world seems to be falling at his feet._

_He doesn’t think it’s weird that he never goes to her house.  Her family is always there, she tells him, and her brother is the kind of person to ask awkward questions if Kai left looking slightly rumpled.  He doesn’t mind that she sleeps at his most nights of the week, because she’s gorgeous and funny and his insides do flips every time she looks at him._

_He doesn’t know if it’s the complacency, or the naivety, that eventually catches him.  But either way, he’s drastically unprepared for the way everything crumbles around him in the space of ten minutes a couple of days after their six-month anniversary.  The weather is terrible, rain thrashing down and clattering noisily against the glass roofs of the training centre while the team huddle together on the practice fields, so Schmidt calls training off for fear of illness or injury.  They’re supposed to be playing Dortmund in three days at Westfalen, and Kai is looking forward to the game, so when Julian offers to drive him home and for them to hang out together, Kai accepts happily. Johanna is supposed to be at a shoot in Gladbach and won’t be back until late in the evening, so Kai and Julian sing along to the shitty songs on the radio and discuss what they’ll eat when they win the league (neither of them mention the obvious that they’re definitely not going to win, but that doesn’t matter to Kai)._

_In hindsight, Johanna probably doesn’t hear him unlock the door because of the thrum of the rain against the window.  Kai wishes she had._

_“I’ll just drop my bag in my bedroom,” Kai says to Julian, who is making coffee, “make yourself at home.” He’s got his back to the door, laughing at Julian for dropping a spoon as he enters his bedroom and the first thing he hears is, “shit.”_

_He whips around and there’s Johanna and a guy Kai doesn’t recognise.  She’s pulled the covers to preserve their modesty, but from the clothes strewn all over the floor and the guilty look on their faces, Kai would have to be an idiot to not see what’s been happening.  Johanna.  Having sex in his bed with a guy who isn’t him._

_“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”_

_“Kai, I can explain,” Johanna looks like she’s about to climb out the bed and cling onto it and god he couldn’t think of anything worse._

_“Save it.” He says, not caring if Julian can hear.  “You’ve got five minutes to get dressed and get out of my flat.”_

_The door falls shut behind him and he’s greeted by Julian, who notices the change in his mood instantly.  When he asks what’s wrong, Kai nods to the door and as if on cue, Johanna and the guy trail out of Kai’s bedroom sheepishly._

_“What the fuck,” he hears Julian say under his breath._

_“How long has this been going on?” Kai tries to say, but he’s cut off by Johanna’s desperate rambling.  She’s incoherent as she speaks, mumbling something about it being an accident, but the stranger has a smug arm over her shoulder that she isn’t shrugging off and Kai can pinpoint the exact moment Julian picks up on it, because he stiffens.  When Johanna finally trails off mid-sentence, Julian speaks before Kai’s brain can even form what he wants to say._

_“I don’t think you realise what you’ve lost here.”_

_“Who the fuck are you to talk anyway?” Johanna snarls, “god knows you just drove Kai home to try and fuck him.”_

_Julian flushes red and a strange look of hurt flashes across his face and no, that’s not okay._

_“Get the fuck out of my life.” Kai says in a low voice.  He knows she hears it, because she looks shocked at his tone, but he holds her gaze and watches her weaken right before his eyes.  It’s the most sickeningly satisfying sight he’s ever witnessed._

_“You’re a horrible boyfriend.” She spits, before chucking her key on the floor.  It rattles in the silence as it stops at Jule’s feet, as Johanna leads the stranger (who still has the self-congratulatory look plastered all over his face, and Kai briefly thinks that if he doesn’t punch him, Julian will) out of the door._

_Kai’s on edge for about fifteen minutes until he’s sure they’re gone and then he breaks down.  He flops down on the sofa and lets Julian take care of him – his teammate cooks him dinner and changes his bedsheets to rid them of the smell of Johanna and sex, before settling down and placing Kai’s head in his lap while the rain continues to thunder down over Leverkusen._

_••••••_

_Kai’s convinced he’s hit rock bottom in the days following Johanna’s cheating revelations being exposed in national newspapers.  For days, all he sees when he passes newsagent shops is his and Johanna’s faces plastered all over gossip rag covers, with titles ranging from ‘EXPOSED’ to ‘YOUNG LEVERKUSEN STAR IN CHEATING SCANDAL.’  BILD run a seven-page feature stemming about all the possible reasons for the adultery, and Julian’s so pissed off on Kai’s behalf he buys a copy just to let Kai tear it up.  He isn’t aware that rock bottom is still miles deeper, and he’s hurtling headlong towards it down the route titled ‘Oscar.’_

_He’s drunk when he’s at the crossroads, and by the time he’s sobered up enough to note the pathway he’s taken, it’s already too late._

_He’d gone out to celebrate his first Bundesliga goal against Wolfsburg.  Julian couldn’t come with him, because it was Jascha’s birthday and so he was out with his family.  Kai was invited to join them and rejecting the invitation ranks number one in worst decisions of his life._

_He’s in the middle of the dancefloor, drunker than he’s ever been, when the song changes to a slow love song Kai’s sure he’s heard before.  When the guitar riff that rung out in time with when he looked at Anja plays out, Kai places it as ‘Medicine.’  His heart starts racing and vomit burns in the back of his throat._

_His memory is blurred and patchy, but he’ll never forget the look in Oscar’s black eyes when he stumbles into the toilet and throws up for about five minutes.  Even once most of the alcohol is out of his system, the guy takes him back to the bar and only serves to get him drunker._

_Kai doesn’t heed the warning signs._

_He’s awoken the next morning by an incessant buzzing of his phone and clicks the green button without checking the caller ID.  He’s vaguely aware that his back hurts._

_“Good morning, Kai.” An unfamiliar voice says, dripping with barely-concealed menace.  “How are you today?”_

_Kai pulls the phone from his ear and sees Oscar written on the screen._

_“Who are you?” He says dumbly._

_“You don’t remember?” This guy, Oscar, replies, “we met last night.  We had sex, so that makes you my boyfriend now.”_

_With Oscar’s words, more of the previous night comes into his memory.  Kai remembers him getting him inadvisably, steadily drunk, even after he’d thrown up.  He remembers being practically forced onto the dancefloor, being pressed uncomfortably close to him, yet the alcohol affecting his head and when Oscar kissed him, Kai kissed back.  The memory makes him feel ill._

_He threatens to be sick again when he remembers being pushed against a dirty wall in the dodgy back alleyway of the club and spreading his legs while Oscar fucked him._

_“Are you alright, babe?” Oscar says.  Kai doesn’t like his voice one bit._

_“Yeah, just a little hungover.” He answers, awkwardness seeping through his veins alongside the killer hangover._

_“When can I see you?”_

_Kai’s head is blurred with a migraine and it takes him a few seconds to place the meaning of Oscar’s words.  He wants to meet.  The guy Kai fucked carelessly in the back of a dingy nightclub now wants to meet up with him?  Kai isn’t an expert on one-night stands, but he’s pretty sure the aftermath isn’t meant to unfold like this._

_“Um, I have training every day for the rest of the week barring today and a game at the weekend, so I don’t really know---,”_

_“Great.  I’ll be at yours in half an hour.” The phoneline clicks dead before Kai can argue, so he drags himself out of bed and into the shower with a groan as his entire body protests at the sudden movement._

_His hair is still slightly damp when he hears a knock at the door._

_Oscar is hot.  There’s no way Kai can deny that when he walks into his apartment, all slicked back hair and wicked smirks that he shoots at him.   But Oscar also looks like trouble personified, even more so than the look in Anja’s eyes belied her character, and Kai doesn’t know if he can spare the heartbreak he knows will happen just from one glance at the stranger-boyfriend standing in his kitchen._

_“Cute hair,” Oscar smirks.  His voice seems softer in person._

_“Thanks.”_

_“Your agent would have a heart attack if you made a habit of picking up random men at clubs.”_

_Kai’s thoughts are nothing more eloquent than ‘shit.’  Because Oscar’s right, he’s a professional footballer and the bisexual side of him cannot exist while he’s a footballer, yet here he is with an apparent conquest who is looking like he’s devouring him with his eyes._

_“No matter,” Oscar shrugs.  “You were great.”_

_“Um, thanks?”_

_“Took it ever so well even though you told me you’d never done that before.”_

_Oh.  He’s talking about_ that _.  Suddenly, the enormity of the situation hits Kai and he has the immense urge to bolt, maybe hide in Julian’s house for three years, but Oscar doesn’t look like he’d just stay here if he left.  He feels trapped in his own home._

_“Let me take you out.” Oscar says, breaking Kai’s internal monologue of panic, “get to know each other a little better without you having your tongue stuffed down my throat.”_

_He wants to say no.  He knows he should say no, but then Oscar takes his hand and gently pulls him towards the door._

_“I can’t hold hands with you in public,” Kai says quickly when they exit his apartment block.  “If it gets pictured---,”_

_“Don’t worry, Kai.” Oscar drops his hand while Kai guiltily thinks he despises the way Oscar says his name, “I understand.”_

_They’re in one of the local cafes, Kai nursing a coffee awkwardly and trying to look at anything that isn’t Oscar’s and his eyes that spell trouble, until there’s a commotion at the door and Kai really does want the Earth to open and swallow him whole because Julian and his brothers are entering the café and Julian is a lot more known than Kai is, so people are getting out of their seats to speak to him._

_Kai sees the precise moment Julian notices him, because his best friend’s eyebrows furrow in confusion in between the throngs of fans surrounding him.  Kai can’t stop himself from glancing over at him regularly, stomach filling with dread as he notices the crowd thinning out and knows Julian will make a beeline for him._

_He’s just falling into tentative conversation with Oscar when he feels a tap on his shoulder._

_“Hey, Kai.” Julian smiles, but he’s still got the look of confusion underneath the mask of composure, “who’s this?”_

_“I’m Oscar, Kai’s boyfriend.” Oscar says quietly._

_Kai watches the mask fall completely off Julian’s face for a split second, before it’s back on and he’s introducing himself as Kai’s best friend and the two of them are off in conversation while Kai’s eyes flick between the two of them, wondering how the fuck his life turned out this way._

_Julian leaves them alone after a few minutes, flanked by his brothers who begin talking over each other in their quest to discover what the fuck just went down, sitting down on the other side of the café while Oscar dishes out generic compliments about him._

_His apparent new boyfriend doesn’t leave his house until eight in the evening, meaning Kai leaves Julian’s baffled texts unanswered for hours._

**_Julian:_ ** _kai what the fuck_

 **_Julian:_ ** _i don’t have any problem with it (i’m gay) but why didn’t you tell me you had a boyfriend?_

 **_Kai:_ ** _because i didn’t know myself until i woke up this morning_

_He’s watching some Netflix show when his phone vibrates with Julian’s replies._

**_Julian:_ ** _oh thank fuck you’re not ignoring me_

 **_Julian:_ ** _also wtf??? how do you just not know you have a boyfriend???_

 **_Kai:_ ** _i wasn’t ignoring you i just couldn’t reply to you with him here_

 **_Kai:_ ** _we apparently had sex last night and then he called me calling me his boyfriend_

 **_Julian:_ ** _and you just like didn’t question it?_

 **_Kai:_ ** _i didn’t know how to without worrying that i’d piss him off_

 **_Kai:_ ** _also you’re gay?_

 **_Julian:_ ** _yeah_

 **_Julian:_ ** _i just didn’t want people knowing, if i did i would’ve told you first_

 **_Julian:_ ** _but it felt right to tell you then_

 **_Kai:_ ** _i’ll keep it secret_

 **_Kai:_ ** _appreciate you telling me bro :)_

 **_Kai:_ ** _just for labels sake i’m bi_

 **_Julian:_ ** _alright chill_

 **_Julian:_ ** _so what do you think’s gonna be the plan for the bvb game?_

_Oscar is waiting for him as the bus pulls back into the training ground after they got completely destroyed 6-2 by Dortmund.  No one has spoken, aside from Julian sitting next to him, whispering frantic reassurances in Kai’s ear while Kai watches the droplets of rain race themselves down the bus window, unresponsive.  They’re one of the first of the bus, and Kai barely stops to give Julian a hug of thanks before Oscar’s pulling him away.  His boyfriend is on him the moment they’re through the front door of Kai’s flat, mumbling something about him looking insanely sexy on television with his hair wet and mussed by the rain.  Kai forces a smile, but then his boyfriend’s gaze turns lustful and he manoeuvres out of his grasp before the situation spins out of control._

_He spends his nights convincing himself it’s the fallout of Johanna.  He spends the nights convincing himself it’s his fault he isn’t falling for Oscar.  He convinces himself it can’t be Oscar’s fault, not when he’s driving him to training and helping him cook dinner._

_Oscar isn’t on the same page.  It starts with his boyfriend leaving jackets in Kai’s living room after they’ve spent the evening making out on the sofa (Kai tells himself that he enjoys it, he just isn’t used to the feeling of another man against his lips) and it’s so subtle Kai doesn’t notice it until he finds a spare toothbrush in his bathroom before they’ve even slept together._

_He mentions it during one of the make-out sessions.  It’s getting particularly heated, slight wisps of condensation are staring to appear on the windows on the other side of the room, so Kai pulls away to stop it, “Oscar?”_

_“Hmm?” His boyfriend says, looking at Kai with an innocence on his face totally foreign to the noticeable bulge in his jeans._

_“Why are you moving your stuff into my house?”_

_“It’s what boyfriends do,” Oscar says dismissively, “now are you going to come back here or am I going to be disappointed that you’re denying me of those pretty lips?”_

_Kai goes, because he has to.  The feeling of entrapment hasn’t left him since the very first day._

_He gets his first piece of concrete evidence a couple of weeks later.  He’s gone back to Julian’s house after training and teamed up with him to play a round of FIFA against Jannis and Jascha who had come up to visit their brother again, before cooking (or more accurately, throwing food at Julian while Jascha berates them for making a mess).  It’s later then he planned when he steps into the elevator to take him back to his flat, but training has a later start the next day, so he tells himself it doesn’t matter too much as he stuffs his key in the lock._

_Oscar is splayed out on his sofa when he enters._

_“You’re back.” His boyfriend says neutrally, expression unreadable.  “You told me you’d be back home to call me at six.”_

_‘Fuck,’ Kai thinks, because he did.  He got too caught up in watching the way Julian’s face breaks into a timid smile when Jascha tells him off._

_“Why is your hair damp?” Oscar asks._

_“I had a shower at Julian’s,” Kai says, before realising what the possible connotations of that might be, and hurries a continuation, “he cracked an egg on my head.”_

_Oscar’s eyebrows raise and Kai knows he doesn’t believe him._

_“Whatever,” his boyfriend shrugs, moving closer.  Kai isn’t prepared for the sudden feeling of dread that creeps into him when they make eye contact.  “I just don’t like it when you lie to me.”_

_“I’m not lying!” Kai protests._

_“Really?” Oscar says, “don’t forget that I’m keeping your secret and you will do what I tell you to.”_

_His boyfriend knocks his shoulders as he brushes past him and Kai hears the door slam shut, trying to think of anything to distract himself from the feeling of fear that strikes through him when the frantically-repressed thought of Oscar having the power to ruin his career resurfaces._

_Adversely, it’s like Oscar unlocks a new realm of power with that phrase and with it, Kai’s individuality diminishes.  He’s acutely aware that Oscar’s watching him whenever they play, and the thought makes him miss open goals and avoid celebrating too closely with his teammates for fear of his boyfriend’s disapproval._

_It stays in the survivable discomfort zone for weeks until Oscar gradually starts pushing the boundaries._

_It begins two nights before Leverkusen’s penultimate game of the season.  They’re playing Köln, and Korkut, the new manager, has called a light training session for the next day, so Kai and Oscar are relaxing in Kai’s living room when Oscar stiffens below him._

_“Let’s go out.”_

_“I have training tomorrow.”_

_“It’s a late session,” Oscar says, already shifting his body out from underneath Kai and getting to his feet, “no one will know if you just have a few drinks.”_

_Kai wants to tell him that they will definitely know, most of the team have known him since he was eleven, but Oscar’s giving him the look that says, ‘don’t question me,’ so Kai suppresses his sigh and pulls his shoes on._

_When they reach the bar, Oscar immediately presents him with a large beer and turns to talk to some unfamiliar guy on one of the stools.  His boyfriend keeps pushing alcohol on him and, repeating his mantra that’s drowned out by the music and shouting whenever Kai tries to turn them down, voice getting lighter and lighter as Kai gets drunker and drunker._

_He starts begging to go home at ten and Oscar finally relents at two, after making Kai trail along behind him like some sort of lost puppy for the best part of six hours.  The next day, Kai’s head spins whenever he tries to break into a sprint, and Lars figures out what’s wrong with him and tells Korkut, causing Kai to be dropped from the squad as punishment and threatened to be demoted back to the Under 19s if he “doesn’t start acting like a fucking senior player.”_

_He’s back in the matchday squad and scores two goals against Hertha on the last day of the season, the team opting to spend the night in Berlin before flying back the next morning.  Kai wanders the streets with Julian and Jannis, who was in the stadium and videoed his reactions to every game, posting ridiculous selfies to their Instagram stories while they go shopping in Alexanderplatz.  Ever since his sending home before the Köln game, Oscar has been extremely nice to him, taking him out on dates disguised as hangouts and indulging Kai’s passion for shitty Netflix shows more than he used to._

_He sits with Julian on the flight home and annoys his best friend for the sake of social media for the entire journey._

_Kai knows the phase of Oscar being excessively nice to him is over the moment he opens the door to a scowling Oscar about ten minutes after he’s arrived home.  He’s exhausted, and his back aches from the flight, but the menacing look on his boyfriend’s face instantly cuts off the protest forming on his lips._

_“Don’t forget that I’m keeping your secret and you will do what I tell you to,” is what Oscar says when pulls Kai into a dodgy area of the nightclub filled with grimy men looking at him like he’s a piece of meat._

_“Don’t forget that I’m keeping your secret and you will do what I tell you to,” is what Oscar says when one of the strange men pushes him to a line of cocaine and yells at him to snort it.  He does, hoping he hasn’t done it correctly and bolts from the area the moment a fight breaks out on the other side of the room._

_“Don’t forget that I’m keeping your secret and you will do what I tell you to,” is what Oscar says when another one of the untrustworthy men hands him a drink and waits until Kai has drunk it all, immediately feeling like he’s been hit by a truck._

_“Don’t forget that I’m keeping your secret and you will do what I tell you to,” alongside, “oh Kai, why won’t you let me have sex with you again?” is what Oscar says when he pushes Kai down onto the bed and muffles his, “no,” into a pillow.  He shoves his head down when Kai tries to protest, stripping him of his clothes while Kai tries to slide out of his too-tight grasp because his heart’s beating agonisingly fast and he can’t fucking breathe._

_He’s trapped, vision black against the pillow Oscar is shoving him against with his body. His stomach is churning everything that was forced down him and his head is indistinct until Oscar’s fingers intrude him, and he can only form enough coherency to choke out another, “no.”_

_Oscar ignores him and for every noise of protest Kai makes, the other man only makes his movements harder, drawing out and prolonging the feelings of shame and inadequacy that burn deep inside Kai. When Oscar takes his fingers out and replaces it with his dick, biting and scratching at Kai’s back until Kai can feel himself start to bleed and his back to stain, he clenches his eyes shut to fend off the tears threatening to overspill._

_He wakes up the next morning alone and sore, all traces of Oscar gone from his bedroom, but he can’t bring himself to be even remotely relieved when every movement causes the ordeal from the previous night to flash through his head.  He reaches for his phone, still in the pockets of his discarded jeans and rings Julian without thinking, covering up his abrasions with clothes before heading into the living room._

_“Hey Jule,” he breathes, not caring if Julian can hear the blatant relief in his voice, “I need your help.”_

_“With what?” Someone says, but it isn’t Julian.  It’s Oscar, standing against the window, bag in hand._

_“Um, nothing, never mind.  See you at training.” Kai says and hangs up, hating the way his heart convulses in his chest when he hears Julian question him right until the line goes silent.  Seconds later, his phone rings with a call from his best friend._

_“Don’t answer it.” Oscar says, sounding nothing like the man Kai started dating months ago.  The ringtone peters out and even though Oscar’s only a couple of inches taller than Kai is, he feels tiny locked in his assailant’s gaze. “What were you calling him about?”_

_There’s a lump in Kai’s throat that he can’t speak past.  With every second, counted meticulously by the ticking of the clock on the wall, a cloud rolls over Oscar’s face._

_“I said, what were you calling him about, Kai?”_

_Kai swallows, “nothing.” His voice sounds pathetic.  No wonder Oscar did that to him when he can’t even fucking stand up for himself.  If he could see himself, he knows he’d just think he deserved what happened to him, if he watched himself back away from Oscar’s advancing steps like a coward.  If he was any weaker, he’d be shaking like a leaf._

_“You were going to tell him, weren’t you?” Kai’s cornered against his kitchen counter as Oscar’s eyes darken with anger, “you were going to run to your precious little secret boyfriend and tell him everything.  If you fucking dare,” Kai winces as Oscar’s hand makes contact with his face, “you wouldn’t want to know what I’d have lined up for you.”_

_Kai’s silence only invites Oscar to raise his bag and hit him, hard enough to bruise.  He clutches the countertop and hopes someone can hear his inaudible screams as Oscar continues to throw punches, his bag and at one point, a baseball bat he finds in the corner of Kai’s living room from when he used to play baseball with his friends in the park after school._

_Once Oscar finally gets tired of him and storms out of the door, Kai finds himself leaning against the side and staring at the ceiling, berating himself for being so much of a coward that he deserved everything Oscar did to him._

_He soon learns his boyfriend’s attacks on him are planned, refreshing the bluish-purple marks that litter his skin whenever they start to fade.  Kai takes to wearing long sleeved shirts even in the middle of blistering summer and hopes no one notices._

_They don’t.  Or if they do, no one says anything._

_Kai realises that Oscar doesn’t hit him when he’s going out with someone the next day, to enable Kai to walk like nothing’s wrong with him.  Kai doesn’t tell anyone what’s happening, not Julian (who looks weirdly exhausted for some reason), his brother, or any of the friends that invite him out, because he knows Oscar could appear at any time and dreads to think what might happen if his boyfriend catches him.  His plan works until Oscar cottons on and bans him from seeing anyone at all unless Oscar permits it, beating his warning into Kai’s abused skin._

_When he replies to Julian’s texts with one-word answers because he knows Oscar will read what he says, he wishes Julian would stop fucking caring so much because every single text of concern he receives only results in Oscar screaming accusations of cheating at him and reminding Kai of why he’d never dare to try and seek help, even if he knew where to look for it._

_It gets particularly bad one Thursday.  They’ve just returned home from shopping (Oscar practically lives at Kai’s flat these days), Oscar stewing silently beside him the entire car trip home because Kai accidentally dropped a box of eggs over his shoes in the car park.  His boyfriend remains threateningly taciturn as they unload the shopping into their flat and Kai braces himself for inevitable yelling._

_It doesn’t come.  At least, not instantly._

_“What the fuck.” Oscar says neutrally.  “What the fuck makes you think you can throw fucking eggs at my shoes?”_

_Kai remains wordless.  He knows Oscar will just begin shouting at him either way.  He continues putting the fish in the freezer, trying not to show his boyfriend he’s shaking._

_“Look at me, then!” Oscar whisper-yells, and Kai swears as the freezer door falls shut on his hand in his haste.  “Why did you do it?”_

_“It was an accident--,”_

_“Yeah, of course it was, everything’s always an accident with you.  You’re so fucking careless.  Those shoes were fucking expensive.”_

_“I can buy you new ones---,”_

_“Wouldn’t you rather buy your secret little boyfriend shoes?” Oscar says as he opens the freezer to slam it shut on Kai’s hand again.  He flinches and Oscar follows him, unfamiliar look in his eyes that borderlines psychopathic, and for the first time, Kai fears for his goddamn life.  “I’ll kill him.” Oscar mutters._

_“What?” Kai says._

_“I said, I’ll kill him!  If you’re cheating on me, who’s given you everything you have, you worthless piece of shit,” Kai bites his tongue to stop himself from stating the glaring obvious, “then I’ll kill him and you, too!”_

_He ends his sentence with a blow to Kai’s temple.  Kai doesn’t come to until he’s been on the ground for a few seconds, seeing but not hearing Oscar rant at him, when suddenly the older man is cut off by the harsh ring of the doorbell._

_“Get up.” Oscar growls, kicking Kai’s stomach.  He tries to pull himself up into a sitting position but his head spins with the violence of Oscar’s words, severing all sense of composure he has, so he sprawls out onto the floor and watches helplessly as his vision blurs with tears, feeling an invisible ribbon tie itself around his neck._

_He wonders if he might die, until he hears a voice that sounds like a fucking lifeline._

_“I said, let me in!”_ Julian _yells, “for the record, there’s nothing going on between us,” there’s a silent beat before Julian continues, “I just need to see him.”_

_There’s some shuffling and then an almighty grunt before Kai hears the soft footsteps he recognises as Julian’s advancing ever closer to where he is still motionless on the floor, paralysed with the hope that Julian might have finally realised what’s happening.  He’d caught a glimpse of his best friend’s blonde hair at the supermarket but one look at the glare that formed in Oscar’s eyes when he noticed stopped Kai from calling out to his best friend._

_Kai thinks he’s dreaming when Julian crouches next to him, tears already appearing in his eyes._

_“Kai?” He whispers, “what happened?”_

_“Jule,” he gets out, clasping the older man’s hands in his, before the ribbon around his neck is pulled tight and he feels like he can’t breathe. “Help me.”_

_“I saw.” Julian says quietly, “I saw you in the supermarket and you looked dreadful.  Every time he went near you, you moved away like you were terrified.  You only replied to my texts with one-word answers and then you stopped replying altogether and god, Kai, I’m so sorry.  I’ve been such an idiot.  I’ll get you out, Jannis and Jascha and getting the police.”_

_Oscar must enter the kitchen then, because the soft look in Julian’s eyes moulds into steely hatred and Kai has never seen this look on his best friend’s face before and he isn’t overstating it to say that Julian’s the only thing keeping him alive right now._

_“If you take another step, I’ll deck you.” Julian threatens, standing up.  Kai misses the warmth of his fingertips already._

_“What are you gonna do?” Oscar says, and he must step closer because suddenly Julian isn’t next to Kai anymore and all he can hear is the sickening sound of impact and grunting as his best friend and his assailant grapple with each other.  He hears a thump followed by a vicious curse from Oscar, knows Julian must’ve laid a punch on him and he can’t bring himself to be grateful because he knows Julian’s held the red rag out and Oscar is going to charge for it._

_His ex-boyfriend begins yelling obscenities at Julian and threatening to kill him as Kai struggles to his feet.  Oscar has got Julian by the throat, strangling him slowly as Julian struggles against his iron grip.  Kai takes a feeble step towards him, trying to make sense of his fucking surroundings and stop his legs from shaking, but Julian’s lips are starting to turn blue and Kai doesn’t know if he can save him in time._

_He hears the door burst open and with the final ounce of his strength as he stumbles across the floor, prays._

_Jannis, Jascha and the police enter the kitchen, the two officers immediately fighting Oscar off Julian while his ex-boyfriend screams bloody murder.  The arrest seems to be over quickly, or that might be because Kai’s pretty sure he loses consciousness midway through once Julian’s regained his breath, because his best friend is talking at him, talking, talking, talking, while Kai focuses on the pretty way his eyelashes flutter as he talks because it’s the only thing that’s able to keep him calm and fucking sane as Oscar gets dragged away.  He hears one of the officers say something to Julian’s brothers about confidentiality, about how they will fight to keep it from the media.  Kai feels the tiniest weight lift from his shoulders._

_“I’m sorry,” Julian says, and in his shadowy state he can see Julian’s sobbing now and no, this won’t fucking do, so Kai fights against the seething pain and touches his best friend’s face with his trembling hand. “I can’t believe I didn’t realise.  I could’ve stopped this, I could’ve---,”_

_“I can’t believe I didn’t realise.  I could’ve stopped this, I could’ve---,”_

_“No, Jule.  You’re here now.”_

_Julian swallows and helps Kai to his feet, guiding him gently to the sofa but keeping his distance when Kai moves away from his touch instinctively, and if it upsets him, he doesn’t let it show as he talks to Kai about all sorts of mundane things while Jannis and Jascha pack Kai a suitcase full of clothes._

_He stays at Julian’s house for a week and doesn’t leave, spending his days playing FIFA against various members of the Brandt household, and only gets dressed properly for the police testimonies three days after the arrest.  When Julian sees his diminishing bruises for the first time as he helps Kai get his oversized t-shirt off, his best friend falls into another bout of helpless apology that Kai waves away with a stroke of his hair._

_Julian goes to court for the sentencing, but Kai doesn’t want to hear the verdict.  He just takes the small smile on his best friend’s face for what it’s worth and finally lets Julian drive him home._

_His flat is the same as he left it, save for the smell of Oscar gone and all the mess his ex-boyfriend made tidied up and god, Kai would marry every single member of the Brandt family in a heartbeat._

_Especially Julian._

Kai shudders as the chill from the wind washing in from outside hits him, startling him back to reality and making him remember Julian storming out half an hour ago after telling Kai he’s been in love with him for ages.

It’s then that Kai realises that Julian Brandt is the best thing to ever happen to him.

Really, he’s a fucking idiot.

* * *

 Julian avoids him at training the next day despite Kai’s endless attempts to talk to him.  He didn’t tell Sophia about Julian’s revelation the previous night, instead being subjected to her ranting about some stupid guy in her university class the moment she brushed past him through the door, a one-sided conversation that went fifteen minutes before Sophia even bothered to ask Kai how he was.

He’s forced into collecting the cones by Heiko and by the time he enters the dressing room, Julian’s gone, aside from a sock he’s left behind.  Kai grabs it and puts it into his bag, telling himself that any reason to talk to Julian is a good reason in the wake of their revelation.

He drives to Cologne and takes Sophia out for dinner and it’s embarrassing how much effort he has to put in to keep his attention on her because his mind keeps flitting to Julian and the goddamn piece of hair that fell in his eyes while he was listening to Heiko’s instructions earlier in the day.  Kai wanted nothing more than to push it out of the way and look into Julian’s pretty, pretty eyes and then kiss him and _shit, he’s fucked._

“Did you hear a word I just said?” Sophia says.  Kai can’t tell if she’s amused or annoyed.

“No, sorry Soph, I zoned out.”

“I said, do you want to go see the new Marvel film that came out yesterday?”

“I have training tomorrow, and then a game on Monday night.  We can go on Tuesday?”

“Fine." She says, rolling her eyes before taking her phone out of her pocket and beginning to text someone avidly, distracted and enabling Kai to fall back into his daydream about the way Julian’s face lights up when he smiles properly.

He takes Sophia’s hand as they leave the restaurant, but it feels like a dead weight.  He knows he should feel guilty, knows harbouring this secret will only cause it to blow up in his face, especially since Julian isn’t talking to him, but it’s a price he’s willing to pay.

Kissing his girlfriend goodnight doesn’t give him the rush it used to.  It’s cute on the surface, but underneath it’s dreary and tastes of love running cold.  He can’t bring himself not to hope Sophia notices it too.  They haven’t been together that long and it’s already a slog being with her, the kind that wears both halves down.

When he stares across the empty expanse of bed, because Sophia has a really early class the next morning, he doesn’t imagine her lying next to him.  Instead, he imagines the familiar shape of his best friend and if he tries hard enough, he can almost conjure the faintest trace of Julian’s scent.

He barely sleeps that night.  When he passes the mirror on the way out of the door for training, he can see the dark bags underneath his eyes.  He knows Julian notices when he takes his sock back from Kai with a quiet thank you, because as much as he tries to hide it, the way his eyebrows fold in concern of their own accord is very noticeable to Kai.

Even so, Julian doesn’t speak to him for the rest of the afternoon and when they’re asked to pair up, Julian actually dares split Kevin up from Leon, not caring about the weird looks almost every member of the team throws at him while Kai drops his stare to the ground.

“Have you had an argument with Julian?” Jonathan asks him later, when they’re all filing in from training.

“Of a sort.” Kai admits awkwardly.  There’s an acknowledging grunt and Kai looks at the defender to see him shooting a knowing look and raising his eyebrows.

“You guys are so cute, it’s painful.” Jonathan clutches at his heart.  “Although make up quickly and go back to being your married couple selves before your lover’s tiff divides the team.”

“Lover’s tiff?” Kai splutters, feeling his entire body heat in embarrassment.

“Don’t act like you don’t know.  The whole team is betting on when you’ll realise.  By the way, do it quickly, I have fifty euros on you two getting together before the start of the Bundesliga.”

Jonathan winks at him again and falls into conversation with Lukas, leaving Kai alone and confused.  Julian meets his eyes from across the dressing room and looks away hurriedly, cheeks flushing red, and it takes all of Kai’s willpower not to walk over to him and kiss him right there in front of the rest of their teammates.

He sits in his section of the bench, right next to Julian, calling his name softly.  He can see Julian hears him, because his best friend suddenly begins rifling through his bag, not looking at him.

“Julian?” He tries again, “why won’t you talk to me?”

Julian sighs slightly, looking briefly over at him before turning back to his stuff.  It’s only been two days since they argued in Kai’s flat, but his best friend looks like he’s withering away and almost sick.  Kai feels an urge of protectiveness not unlike what Julian exhibited towards him in the long, awful weeks after Oscar.

“Are you okay?” Kai rests a hand on Julian’s shoulder without thinking, savouring the tiny feeling of relief when Julian doesn’t immediately shove him off.  The older one turns back to him, bag in hand.

“I’m fine, thanks.” His voice sounds exhausted too.

“Jule---,” Kai begins, but Julian’s saying goodbye and leaving the dressing room while Kai hasn’t even got out of his training kit yet.  He gets changed quicker than he ever has before, shrugging off the attempts at conversation some of his training mates offer before waving a communal goodbye and rushing out past the social media team before they can corner him for an interview.

Julian’s car has already left the ground when he arrives.

Kai goes home and gets showered before texting Julian.

 **Kai:** jule please talk to me

 **Kai:** i know we’re obviously not on the best of terms right now

 **Kai:** i was an idiot

 **Kai:** i miss you already i’m so fucking dumb

 **Kai:** i’m also

 **Kai:** wait nevermind

Julian doesn’t reply.  Kai’s almost given up, turned in for the night and decided to play some Fortnite when his phone pings across the room.

 **Jannis:** hey kai

 **Jannis:** jule left his phone downstairs so i saw you texted him

 **Jannis:** he’s asleep rn

 **Kai:** oh thanks

 **Kai:** he looked really tired at training?

 **Jannis:** he hasn’t been sleeping well recently

 **Jannis:** he got in two nights ago and didn’t sleep all night

 **Jannis:** then last night he had nightmares

 **Jannis:** screaming the place down

 **Kai:** shit

 **Kai:** we had a fight two days ago

 **Kai:** he won’t speak to me

 **Jannis:** so that’s why he’s been in a pissy mood

 **Kai:** i miss him

 **Jannis:** don’t worry kai

 **Jannis:** god knows he can’t stay away from you

Jannis’ words give him the false hope that only serves to hurt him when Julian swaps places in the dressing room with Mitch, who talks excitedly at Kai without checking if he’s really listening.  Julian looks fucking terrible, swathes of dark under his eyes as he talks quietly to Lars.

When they all get out onto the field, Julian exits out of the other door and Kai can see him walking towards his car.  Lars is in intense conversation with Heiko, who nods gravely, as Julian pulls out of the car park and away.  Kai wonders if it’s even safe to drive.

He’s a mess in training and he knows the team are all watching his every move, every misplaced pass, every free kick that swings miles wide and an awful late challenge on Sven that causes Heiko to send him off the pitch to calm the racing fire-blood that’s pumping through him down.  His eyes look for Julian automatically and his heart sinks when he remembers he’s the reason Julian is killing himself inside.

“Hey, kid.” Heiko crouches next to him, “Lars was telling me you and Julian had a fight?”

“It was just a little thing.” Kai mumbles.

“Alright.” Heiko stands, “we’re done!  Same time tomorrow!”

His team start to disappear back towards the complex, Heiko calling Sven over who graciously accepts Kai’s apology, but his coach remains deathly silent otherwise, until the door far across the field falls shut and there’s nothing but the sound of the wind whistling in the trees surrounding the pitch.

“Kai.” Heiko says.  “What’s going on?”

Kai wants to lie to him, to dispel all suspicion and act like nothing’s out of the ordinary, but after his abysmal performance in training and Julian’s horrible appearance, even he knows it’s futile.  So instead, he croaks out an understatement, “we had a small fight.  That’s all.”

“Then why does Brandt look heartbroken?  I’m not even going to get started on you, I think you know what was wrong with your performance today, but I can’t have lasting altercations in our team.”

He doesn’t have the words to answer his coach, and he doesn’t think he’d have the ability to say them without sounding plaintive even if he did.

Heiko puts an arm around him, forcing Kai to look into his eyes and he knows his coach knows.

“I think, and I’m sorry if this is wrong, but I think there’s something that neither of you were expecting.  You two have been so close and I know you’ve had a succession of relationships, but I’ve seen something change recently.”

“You’re right.” Kai breathes.  “But I still have a girlfriend and Jule isn’t speaking to me at the moment.”

“How are things with your girlfriend?”

“Fine,” Kai says, because it’s the truth.  “It just feels like what we have won’t work.”

“Do you think it would work with Brandt?” His coach sounds so casual, Kai can’t find it in him to respond beyond staring dumbly at Heiko.  “You are my players.  If your personal life isn’t good, then I cannot get the best of you professionally.  I don’t care who you date.  Plus, and I don’t mean to sound immature here, but Brandt’s feelings for you are written all over his face.”

“He told me.  I just didn’t know myself in time.”

Heiko smiles.  “Do what you think is best.  And don’t you dare think about attempting those tackles ever again, whether or not Brandt is speaking to you, do you understand me?”

Kai nods, breaking out in a proper smile for the first time in days.

“Good.  Now get yourself home.”

* * *

Sophia knows something’s wrong the moment she walks into Kai’s flat.  The smile on her face disappears instantly when she sees the look on Kai’s face, which must denote something between pain and guilt, because she mumbles something about not being able to face this without coffee and switches the machine on instantly.  She doesn’t look at him while he tells himself to stop fucking shaking, that this is the best thing for them, that he can’t go on lying about being in love with her when he’s dreaming about Julian fucking him and then wanting to spend every waking moment with his teammate. 

Waiting for as the water drips agonisingly slowly into the coffee pot is almost painful, because he doesn’t know if he should start speaking and what to say and all too soon, Sophia’s sitting on her favourite spot on his sofa, coffee in hand and looking at him expectantly.  It’s roughly about then that Kai realises he has absolutely no idea how to break up with someone.

“When I met you I’d only just got out of another relationship,” he begins, willing himself to look into her eyes, “and that one had ended badly, and the one before that was the worst months of my life, and the two before them ended awfully as well, so I have no idea how to do this with the respect you deserve.”

“Just say it.  It keeps me from walking on eggshells the whole conversation.  Say it and we’ll talk afterwards.”

“I’m in love with Julian.”

From the look on Sophia’s face, it’s clear that wasn’t what she expected to hear following her prompt.  But she re-assumes her faultless face of nonchalance and nods,

“And?”

“I want to break up.”

She nods, “okay.  Now, we talk.”

“Every time I got out of a relationship, Julian’s always been there for me.  Before Karolin, I was with this guy called Oscar who turned out to be all sorts of abusive and,” he swallows, “raped me once.  Julian let me stay at his until I was ready to be by myself again.  But after Karolin, when Jule was in Russia, I wallowed in self-pity and he’d been home a few hours when I met you and _god,_ Soph, I thought you were absolutely beautiful, and I still do.  I got into this relationship thinking it’d be no different from all the other times I’ve moved on quickly, and I know that it’s going to look like I’m moving on quickly if I get with Julian, but I’ve been reckless.  I’ve been so reckless and fucked with my best friend’s feelings without even realising and I need to make this right because this is the one chance I have.”

“You really need to work on your apologetic rambles,” Sophia laughs gently.  “I won’t lie, I saw through Julian in that nightclub the first time we met.  He was looking at you like you hung the stars or whatever poetic bullshit they write in those romance novels, and he’d been sitting on the other side of the bar for a good eight minutes before you noticed he’d even left the bathroom.  Then we met him when we were in the Japanese Garden and he kept sneaking glances at you when you weren’t looking and I know he doesn’t hate me, he just hated the fact I was with you and not him.”

“You think you could be friends with him?”

“Definitely.  Once the two of you get your shit together, that is.”

Kai throws his arms around her because he has to hug her, he just does, because she is taking this way better than Kai knows he would if he were in her situation, and because Sophia is just such a good fucking person and he feels bad he’s not the one to give her the happiness she deserves.  She laughs at him when he voices the sentiment, gently slapping his shoulder.

“Kai Havertz, a giant softie?  Who would’ve thought it?”

“Fuck off.” He grins, “you’re a legend, Soph.”

“So I’ve been told,” she says, flipping her hair over her shoulder with a confidence that does not imply a girl who was dumped ten minutes earlier, yelling at Kai when he almost kicks her coffee onto the floor.  He’s trying not to cry as she loses it at him, laughing until she’s crying and yeah, this is definitely the weirdest break-up Kai’s ever had. “You never told me how you met Julian.”

Kai blushes.  “It’s a long story.”

“I’ve got time, unless you’re planning to kick me out?”

“I would never dare.  You’re always welcome to visit, by the way.”

“I’ll make use of that.” She winks at him, raising her mug slightly, “I have never found anyone with a coffee machine as good as yours.  Now, out with it, or is there some embarrassing stories you don’t want to tell me?”

The memory of his dream the previous night pops back into his head and he feels his face warming, cringing internally when Sophia’s smile evolves into a devious smirk.

“There is!  I’m all the more intrigued now.”

“You’re the worst.” Kai grumbles.

“That’s no way to treat your ex-girlfriend,” Sophia teases, patting the sofa next to her.  “Sit down.  I have a feeling this could be a long and detailed story.”

He sighs but sits down next to her.  “I met him when I was in the under eighteens and he signed from Wolfsburg.  When I moved into seniors, we became friends, got closer, then we fell in love but we’re not together yet.” He outlines their story, but Sophia’s giving him a look that says it’s not enough, so he goes off onto a spiel of all the stupid things he and Julian have done, all the times they’ve shared a bed, the times they’ve fallen asleep video-calling each other, and he even tells her about the sex dream, skin burning at the memory while she laughs at him.  She asks him if their teammates know, so he tells her about the bet Jonathan informed him about, and the conversation with Heiko, and smiles when she laughs at his perceived impression of how his teammates will react to the dating news, should Julian say yes.

(Kai’s heart squeezes when he thinks of the affection in Julian’s eyes, even when he yelled at him).

He helps her collect her things from where they’re scattered around his flat, throwing a pair of underwear he finds under the sofa cushions (he blushes when he remembers how they got there) at her and laughing when they settle on her head.  He carries the box of stuff down to her car, strapping it in while she calls him an idiot before he whacks his head on the car door as he gets out.

“You’re an idiot,” she heaves, giggling.

He hugs her in response.

“You’re fantastic.  See you soon.”

“See you soon,” she smiles, and she’s climbing into the driver’s seat, waving a goodbye as she exits the car park and with that, she’s gone, leaving Kai alone, single, and unable to get his mind off Julian fucking Brandt.

He briefly considers climbing into his own car and driving over to see him, but it’s really late and if Julian’s appearance at training earlier in the day was anything to go by, Kai hopes for his sake he’s peacefully asleep.  Heiko’s words from earlier race around his head as he gets back into his flat that now seems so big without Sophia in it, tease him as he shuts the curtains and heads to bed, willing himself to fall asleep long enough to actually do so.

He wakes the next morning feeling like complete shit, and also running late.  He sends a text to Sophia to check on her on his way out of the front door, breakfast bagel shoved inelegantly in his mouth as he hurries downstairs to drive to the training complex.  Of course, he inevitably ends up getting stuck in traffic as he tries to avoid the congestion in the city, meaning he arrives ten minutes late and Lars is waiting on the door, hand out for Kai to pay his fine.

“Late night at the girlfriend’s?” Lukas says, ruffling Kai’s already messy hair.  Kai drops his bag down next to Julian (who is staring at the floor) and sighs,

“No.  I broke up with her, actually.”

The team crowd around him to check on him, all talking at him while Lars rifles around to repay Kai his money, so much noise that Kai barely notices Julian slip through the crowd and get out of the door without anyone else noticing.  He almost yells to call him back, but the slam of the door echoes through the room and the entire circle of Kai’s teammates turn in unison.

“Who the fuck was that?”

“Who’s not here?”

“Brandt’s not here, and he was a couple seconds ago.”

“He’s just trying not to kiss Kai.” Mitch jokes, and suddenly the mood in the room turns tense and silent, everyone trying not to make it obvious that they’re looking at Kai like they know something.

The standoff lasts a good half-minute, until Lars coughs and speaks,

“Well, now that’s settled, let’s go and join lover boy on the pitch before Heiko comes in and yells at us all for being lazy.”

Julian’s helping the coaching staff set out some of the stuff for the session while the rest of the team traipse across the field.  Mitch shoves Kai, who tumbles into Sam, with excitement when Julian glances over at them,

“Bro, what the fuck?”

“He’s looking at you!”

“We’re not twelve.  He can happen to look at me, it’s not like he’s just proposed to me or some shit.”

Mitch mutters something under his breath that Kai can’t make out, although he’s pretty sure he makes out the words, “will,” “married,” and “someday.” Kai doesn’t get chance to call him out because Heiko’s began speaking at them, sending them off for their warmup jog and Mitch speeds off to join Julian, leaving Kai with Sam.

They’re a mile into the run when Sam speaks.

“He told us you found out.”

Kai swallows.  His mouth runs dry.

“I won’t lie, Kai, I always thought there was something you were repressing.  You and Jule have been close for as long as I’ve known you, and I’ve known how long he’s liked you, he told me and Mitch ye--,” Sam trails off before speaking again while Kai’s heart starts beating erratically, in a way that probably isn’t safe given the pace of their run.  “But then you, you’ve always looked like you didn’t want to admit you felt something.  Maybe you didn’t know yourself.  Jule said you didn’t say anything about his confession, so I think he’s trying to get over you.”

“ _Fuck_ ,” Kai says, before noticing Sam is looking at him strangely, “no.  He can’t.”

“Why not?” Sam’s eyes are _knowing_ , and Kai can’t bear it.

“He stormed out,” Kai takes a breath and slows his pace, because they’re drawing scarily near to where Julian and Mitch are deep in conversation, “he stormed out and it was at that exact moment I realised that I love him too.” Sam’s smiling at him insanely, “and what were you going to say earlier?”

“Nothing.” Sam smirks and quickens his pace, forcing Kai to shut up as they pass the other two and to spend the rest of the run trying to act nonchalant when he can feel Julian’s eyes trained unwaveringly on his back.

Training drags like it has ever since Julian bolted on him, complete with Kai trying to get close to him and reeling at the deserved stab in his heart whenever Julian moves away.  But his (former) best friend seems to be giving him an air of almost confusion, like there’s something he wants to say but doesn’t know how to.

Kai hopes this might be the thing to finally make him crack.

His hopes don’t come to fruition when Julian’s allowed to head back to the changing room while everyone else clears up as reward for his help preparing the session.  By the time Kai arrives, having been delayed by Sam and Karim throwing footballs at him, Julian’s already gone.

He takes his time getting dressed, laughing with Mitch about some meme made about Lloris’ howler in the world cup final while Lukas berates them for being disrespectful of goalkeepers.  They’re trailing out the changing room when Kai corners Sam (who always spends an ungodly amount of time in the shower after training).

“What were you going to say?”

“Nothing, I told you.” Sam says, avoiding his gaze.

“Sam.  Please, I’ve already made an idiot of myself over him and now I’m panicking.  I can’t have him trying to get over him when all I want to do is ask him out.”

“Fine,” Sam sighs, shifting to make room for Kai on the bench, “but you have to swear to keep this secret.  Jule would kill me.”

“You got it.”

“He’s had a crush on you for almost two years.  He told me that night you went back to Aachen and got caught in a thunderstorm.  Well, I say _told_ , more like I guessed when turned up at my house and then wouldn’t stop pacing, worrying if you were okay in the pouring rain.  I thought he was getting better, but then about this time last year he came over and poured his heart out and said that he was in love with you, that whole thing with Oscar made him realise it, and he didn’t know what to do.  He never did stop loving you, and I don’t think he’ll get over it that easily.”

Kai’s heart screams in pain and the extent of it floors him.

“I’ve been such an idiot.”

“You have,” Sam smirks, “but it’s not too late.  Go and get him, please, because I don’t think I can deal with him freaking out every time you send him a heart emoji on text.”

Kai laughs, already standing.

“Thanks, Sam.”

“No worries.”

He practically speeds to Julian’s house, narrowly avoiding being pulled over and almost abandons his car in the driveway in his haste.  He knocks on the door, tugging at the sleeves of his jacket to prevent him from full-out pacing in public while he waits for someone to answer.

Jannis pulls open the door.

“Hey bro,” he says, and Kai can’t help but think something’s a little off with him, “what’s up?”

“Is Jule in?”

He hopes the feeling that creeps over him when he says his best friend’s name isn’t written on his face, but Jannis is still acting awkwardly.

“He’s not here, no.  Do you want to come in?”

“Sure.  I’ll wait for him, he shouldn’t be long, right?  I mean, you probably know he’s not talking to me in training, but he didn’t tell Mitch or Sam that he’s got any plans---,” Kai’s perfectly aware he’s rambling as he takes his shoes off, following Jannis into the kitchen, before creasing with embarrassment when he sees a sneaky smile roll onto Julian’s brother’s face.

“He’s not talking to you?” Jannis says, voice dropping lower until he’s mouthing something inaudible.  He turns away and pours coffee while Kai taps his fingers on the table, trying not to look at his smiling best friend’s face plastered all over the walls.  Trying not to look at _his_ smiling face plastered all over the walls.

“No.  I came to talk things out with him.”

Jannis eyes him suspiciously, but places down the mug of coffee and talking Kai’s ear off about all the modifications he’s made on his camera while Kai tries not to think about the darkening sky and the fact Julian is still not back.

“Do you know where he is?” He says eventually.

Jannis’ face contradicts his answer.

“Where is he, Jannis?  Am I wasting my time here?  Did you tell him I was here and now he deliberately isn’t coming home?  Because if that’s true, just tell me so I can get myself away from here.”

“No, he doesn’t know you’re here.”

“Where is he?”

“He’s at Sophia’s.” Jannis admits, “he made me promise not to tell you, but---.”

“What’s he doing there?”

“I don’t know.  He just said you’d broken up and he wanted to speak to her.  I wasn’t meant to tell you that either.”

“Everyone’s telling me things about Julian he doesn’t want me to know.”

“Maybe, Kai,” Jannis looks across at him, “maybe it’s just because people want nothing more than for the two of you to get your shit together.”

Kai doesn’t have any answer for that.

* * *

He doesn’t hear from Julian.  He leaves before Julian arrives home and assumes Jannis’ lack of concern as evidence for his best friend’s safety.  The sun sets over the city, and Kai resigns himself to a quick shower before heading to bed, planning to do all his fantasising over Julian as the water crashes over him, unashamed at how embarrassingly quickly he comes when he closes his eyes and imagines his hand as Julian’s.  He almost moans as he flicks his wrist, imagining the older man biting his lip as he discovers all of the things that gets Kai off.

His phone is ringing when he gets out of the bathroom.

“Kai?” Jannis says, panicked, when he picks up, “Julian’s having another one of those nightmares.  You don’t think you could get here now, could you?”

“I’ll be there.  Give me ten minutes.” Kai throws on a tshirt and trousers, not caring that the water is dripping from his still-damp hair and staining his clothes.  Grabbing his keys halfway out the door, he sprints down the hallway, probably wakes up half the block with his crazed running down the stairs, not having the time or patience to wait for the lift, throwing open his car door and driving out of the block before Jannis has even hung up the phone.

In the background, he can hear Julian screaming and Jannis telling him that he’s tried to wake up his brother, but he’s only screamed Kai’s name in response.

Kai is almost certainly not in a fit state to be driving, his heart is beating far too quickly, his hands are shaking as he tries to get himself under control, and Jannis is talking at him which only serves to freak him out further.  He almost crashes the damn car when he hears Julian let out a shrill scream of something that sounds scarily like Kai’s name.

“I’m here,” he gasps minutes later, as he crunches into Julian’s driveway for the second time in six hours.  Jannis swears in relief and when Kai looks up, Julian’s younger brother is already at the door, looking about two seconds from physically dragging Kai into the house.

“Please.  Do something,” Jannis begs, looking almost distraught.

“I’ll try,” Kai says, skin cold against the night air as he enters the Brandt house.  “Where will you be?”

“I’ll leave you to it.  I have somewhere else to go.” Jannis blushes.  If it were any other time, and Julian wasn’t currently still screaming the place down, Kai would’ve pushed him for more details, but then Julian’s screams turn to almost sob-like cries and Kai thinks his heart cracks straight down the middle as he trips on the stairs.

“KAI!  KAI!  NO!” Julian cries.  He’s thrashing around and it might be the most terrifying thing Kai’s witnessed in his life.  He hears the front door slam and a tiny part of him wishes he could bolt too.  “PLEASE DON’T HURT HIM!  I LOVE HIM!” Julian’s voice chokes and god, Kai thinks he might be dying.  Like, actually dying.

“Jule… shh,” he whispers, resting a hand on the older man’s forehead.  “I’m here.  I’m safe.  Nothing’s happening to me.  And, I love you too.”

Julian continues to thrash, but his screams start to subside.  He grabs onto Kai’s arm and locks it tight, before he mumbles, _he fucking mumbles, shit_ , “Let him go.  Either you let him go or I’m coming with you.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Kai says loudly.  “I’m going to stay right here, Jule.”

Something stirs in Julian.  Kai speaks louder.

“No one will hurt you.  Not with me to defend you.”

Julian’s eyelashes flutter.

“I won’t leave.”

He shuts his eyes tight and hopes, and almost collapses when he hears Julian’s drowsy voice in the darkness.

“Kai?”

“I’m here, Jule.”

“What are you doing here?” It’s the first proper sentence Julian has said to him in almost a week, and for a worrying second Kai thinks he’s about to burst into tears with relief.  His best friend’s eyes are painfully blue in the dark, blown wide as he looks at Kai like he’s a lifeline.

He feels the jarring sensation of role reversal.

“Jannis called me.  I was here earlier, but you were at Sophia’s.”

“You weren’t supposed to know that.”

“Jannis told me anyway and I will find out why you were there,” Kai says, crouching down so he’s eye-level with the older man.  “But first, we need to talk about this.” He feels for Julian’s hand in the dark, squeezes it tight when Julian tries to move away.  “Don’t leave me now, Jule.”

“I wasn’t.” Julian whispers, “I only wanted to make room for you on the bed.”

Kai lets him go then, hears rather than sees Julian roll away from him and climbs next to him.  His best friend is warm, and topless, and Kai’s glad for the duvet and the darkness because he feels the familiar, totally inappropriate, feeling of flames in his blood creeping south.  There’s a silence, and when Kai finally turns to face Julian, the look in his friend’s eyes is bright and _fuck¸_ if Kai doesn’t love him.

“Don’t break my heart.” Julian says quietly.

“I would never.”

“Okay.”

They’re silent again, and Kai doesn’t know if Julian’s waiting for him or if his best friend just can’t find the words.  After minutes of silence, and fear that Julian may have fallen asleep again, Kai finally makes himself speak.

“What’s going on, Jule?”

“It’s been going on for two years.”

“What has?”

“This.” Julian scrabbles against the bedsheets until he finds Kai’s hand.  “And when I say that, I mean everything.  I’ll tell you everything, Kai, if you want to hear it.”

“I do.” Kai whispers.

“Okay,” Julian swallows, “it starts with when you joined the team, because within about five minutes of meeting you properly, I began to think I wasn’t straight because you fucking smiled.  You fucking smiled, Kai, and it threw everything I’d ever known upside down.  Then I got to know you, and I discovered you were really nice on top of being physically gorgeous, and then there was that night of the thunderstorm.  Do you remember, the one where you arrived in Aachen with about forty missed calls from me?”

“Yeah,” Kai laughs, deciding against telling Julian that Sam reminded him earlier, because it might stop Julian from continuing his story and Kai wants to feel the fuzzy story when he hears the slight embarrassment in his best friend’s (is best friend still an accurate term to use when Julian is stroking the back of Kai’s hand gently and sending the younger man’s brain into fucking meltdown?) voice.

“I went over to Sam’s and stayed there for about five hours until you finally called saying you were there safety.  I owed him so many favours to bribe him into keeping it from you.” Julian laughs fondly.  Fucking fondly.  Kai isn’t okay.  “It was that night I admitted to him I had a crush on you.  And then you arrived back from Aachen, went to that party, and got together with Anja, and listened to that fucking song on repeat.”

“ _Medicine_.” Kai says weakly.  The guitar riff echoes in his mind.

“There was a comment that said the guitar riff sounds like the moment you realise you’re in love with someone.  I relate, because that’s what falling in love with you sounded like.  It was so dangerous, because it was just a small thing for a while, but then, even when you were with Anja, you kept being _you_ , and I fell so fucking hard.”

Kai knows the sensation.  He’s feeling it, plummeting deeper into the abyss with every single word Julian’s saying.  He doesn’t know how to say it, doesn’t want to disturb Julian’s train of thought, so he squeezes Julian’s hand and his chest explodes in butterflies when he hears Julian whisper, “thank fuck.”

“You broke up with her, and I took you to that theme park.  I was going to kiss you at the top of the rollercoaster, but you were looking at the view even when I couldn’t take my eyes off you.  But you patched yourself up pretty quickly, debuted, and then you somehow got with Johanna and I kept telling myself I’d missed my chance.  I was so fucking jealous, Kai, I can’t do this anymore without you knowing how jealous I was, because every time I looked at any of your partners, I wanted to kill them because they got _you_ yet never saw what a privilege that was.”

“Jule--,”

“Don’t interrupt me,” Julian says, “because once I’ve been through this, I’m going to kiss you, and god knows I can’t hold out much longer.”

Kai was wrong.  He wasn’t on the verge of dying all the time before, because he really is pushed to the edge when he hears the complete honesty of Julian’s voice.

“I’ve been waiting two years already.” Julian says softly.  “Anyway, back to Johanna.  The day you walked in on her and that guy, I’d been feeling like something was wrong all day.  You came out of your bedroom with a face as white as a sheet and then the two of them followed you and I swear, it was the closest I’ve ever been to hitting a woman in my life.  So, I took care of you again, and hoped one day you’d look at me and realise _I_ was the one you wanted, but you never did.  Until now, it seems.”

Kai couldn’t speak even if Julian wanted him to.

“Those fucking articles, god, I was so angry.  Trying to keep calm around your fragile heart was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but I didn’t even realise the lengths I’d go for you until Oscar.  I felt so ashamed that it took me far too long to realise what was happening.   I should’ve thought more about the causation when I saw you trying not to wince in practice, when I saw your fading bruises in the showers at training, when you stopped talking to me.  But I got selfish, and I’ve spent the rest of my life regretting it.”

“You found me, though.”

“Just in time.  Seeing you on that floor,” Julian sniffs, “I genuinely thought you were about to die, and you would’ve never have known how I felt.  But we made it through, and I kept trying to find the right moment, but I was worried about overwhelming you and just as I’d decided you were ready to know about how I felt, you met Karolin.  And when that ended, Sophia occurred before I even got back from Russia.  I was about to give up.”

Kai feels his skin prickle as Julian slides closer.

“I’m so glad I didn’t give up.”

“Me too.” He hears himself say.

“I’m sorry I got mad.  I just couldn’t take this anymore, being the person there for you to fall back on when I tried so hard to make it obvious that I could be the one to make you happy.” Julian is so close now, Kai can feel his breath on his skin and _it’s sweet fucking torture._   “I lost it, and then I punched you and then I came to and realised what I’d done and it’s the worst feeling I’ve ever had.  Even worse than the guilt that ran through me when I realised Oscar was abusing you, because this time, you were hurting, and it was all my fault.”

“Why did you cut me off?  I tried to speak to you but then you kept avoiding me--,”

“I couldn’t go near you because all I could see was the look on your face as your nose bled after I punched you.” Julian leans away, and Kai’s confused and slightly terrified until he hears the click of a switch and the room is coated in dim light.  Julian rests his phone on his stomach, the muscles covered by the vast expanse Julian’s pale skin clearly defined against the dark duvet and _fuck¸_ Kai has never wanted to run his tongue over it and taste him quite as badly as right then.  “Right up until I heard about you breaking up with Sophia, I left the changing rooms because I blamed myself, and all I could think about was the heartbroken look on your face after Anja, Johanna and Oscar.  I went over there to speak to her.”

“What did you say?”

“I told her that I didn’t want the two of you to break up over me; because that might lead you to resent me and I don’t know what I’d do if that was the situation,” Julian admits.  Kai can see him blushing slightly in the orange husk of the light.  “She said that she wanted the best for you, and she said the best for you was with me.”

“She’s amazing.”

“She is.  You lost a good one there, bro.”

“Don’t call me that.  And I don’t care if I lost a good one, because I’m about to get the best I could ever do.”

Kai doesn’t think he imagines the way Julian’s breath catches.

“I just have one more thing to tell you.”

“Go for it.”

“The nightmares started the night we fought.  Jannis wasn’t here that night, so I didn’t actually know I’d been yelling in my sleep until the second night.”

“What were they about?”

“Mainly it was reliving the showdown with Oscar,” Julian laughs drily, “but instead of getting out of there, he always grabbed you and was threatening to kill you and speaking over me and it was horrible, I’d wake up with cheeks stiff from tears and dread thrumming through my heart.  I kept asking Jannis if you were alive and safe and then having to beg him to not tell you.”

“I’d just got out of the shower when he called me today.  I came straight here.”

“Don’t make me think of that.”

“I like to think you’d like what you heard if I told you the full story.”

“Fuck.” Julian says, glancing down to his phone and pressing a couple of buttons before placing the mobile back on his nightstand.  Kai stares, confused, until he hears the soft strains of music that softly floats into the silence that takes a couple of moments to place.   _Medicine._  “This song is so beautiful.  It doesn’t deserve the memories you have associated with it.”

“Yeah,” Kai whispers, almost swallows, as the music gets quietly louder.  Julian closes his eyes and starts mouthing something, and it takes Kai a strangely long time to work out that he’s counting.

 _Thirty._  Julian opens his eyes and locks them on Kai’s.

 _Thirty-one._ Julian shifts ever closer until his body is flush against the younger one.

 _Thirty-two._ “I’ve waited so long,” Julian says over Kai’s skin, “so fucking long.”

 _Thirty-three._ Julian’s breath rolls over Kai’s lips.

 _Thirty-four._ Julian’s hand slides into the back of Kai’s hair.

 _Thirty-five._ Julian is so, so close.

 _Thirty-six._ The guitar riff rings out as Julian presses his lips against Kai’s and god, it sounds like love feels and Kai is feeling so much of it.  Julian slides his lips softly, kissing Kai like he’s got all the time in the world and in some ways he has, and in some ways he hasn’t, because Kai is still fucking dying but this time, he thinks Julian might be dying with him.  Julian’s pulling away until his lips are barely ghosting across Kai’s and he fucking shivers and it’s the best feeling Kai has ever felt.

“Oh my god,” Julian whispers.  There’s something about him, all messy blonde hair and eyes blown impossibly dark, and kiss-bitten lips, and the way that he is fucking looking at Kai, not to mention the thing in his voice that sounds like wonder and Kai can’t think of anything else but kissing him again.

Kissing Julian feels like spending a lifetime stuck in the dark and finally finding light.  It’s like finally having all the pain washed away.  It’s like finally realising that the person you’ve been looking for has been there the whole damn time, except for Kai, he really has.

Julian swipes at his lips with his tongue and he has to open, has to feel Julian get impossibly closer as he slides his tongue against Kai’s, feels Julian climb on top of him and just lets him, because Julian is obviously more capable at forming coherent thought and actually moving, because Kai’s mind is shot aside from anything to do with the feeling of making out with Jule, on his bed.  The thought burns through him like fire, and he gasps.

“What?” Julian says, breaking the kiss.  “Are you alright?”

“We’re making out.”

“Yes.  I mean, we can stop, if you want--,” Julian looks like he’s in _agony_ , and fuck, shit, Kai can’t have this.

“No, don’t stop.  I just had a moment of awe.”

“Kai?”

“Mmm?”

“Just before I lose myself completely because I can’t describe what you fucking do to me,” Julian presses down and _shit_ , he has an erection and Kai can just about feel his cock straining against his underwear as well, “I just--- well, I---, I was wondering if you’d---well.”

“You were wondering if I’d?”

“Be mine?”

“I think, somehow, I’ve always been yours.”

Julian’s smile is so adorable Kai just has to kiss him again.  Short pecks on his lips before he kisses Julian’s nose, forehead, cheeks, jaw, feeling the way his boyfriend (and wow, _fuck,_ because that’s just what Julian _is_ now) moves for him, nipping down at his skin before biting his collarbone.  Julian thrusts down in response, groaning.

The noise makes Kai brave.

“Have you… done stuff to thoughts of me?”

“God, Kai,” Julian groans again when Kai runs his fingers over his bare chest, feeling his nipples harden underneath his thumbs.  “Most days for the past two years.”

Kai giggles until Julian shuts him up with a kiss.  He thinks his boyfriend intended for just a peck, but he catches him off guard and slips his tongue inside Julian’s mouth, savouring the choked-off groan Julian tries to let out past him.  Kai laughs until the meaning of Julian’s words hit him, the thought of Julian touching himself while imagining Kai just too fucking much for him to deal with.  He’s harder than he’s ever been in his life, feeling the slight discomfort of pre-come staining the inside of his boxers, and he can’t bite back the groan at the feeling. When Julian pulls away, twinkle in his eye, he just knows his boyfriend is going to tease him, the fucker.

“Got a problem?” Julian says, voice light and Kai _hates_ him.

(He loves him).

“Fucking deal with me.” Kai grumbles, because it hurts.

“Give me a moment.” Julian says absently, attaching his lips back to Kai’s and thrusting down hard.  It’s gorgeous and painful friction, Kai can feel Julian against his crotch and when he runs his hands over the glean of sweat appearing on the older man’s back, Julian groans and then slumps against Kai’s chest.  It’s quiet, the music long since switched off, Julian struggling to regain his breath as Kai realises what’s happened the only noise.

“Are you okay?” Kai whispers.

“That… was not meant to happen,” Julian blushes, getting off Kai (he hopes the older one will be back on him soon because he misses his warmth and the feeling of him against his skin already) and the large damp patch on his underwear gives him away.  “If you laugh, I’m cockblocking you.”

“You wouldn’t dare,” Kai winks, chucking the duvet off and unabashedly unbuttoning the top of his jeans.  When he slips his hand inside his boxers, he fights hard to keep from moaning, because that would ruin the aura of nonchalance he tries to create as he watches Julian watch him touch himself.  And god, there’s a certain beauty to it, a thought loop like that.

“Kai,” Julian stutters as he fiddles with the waistband of his boxers, “do you mind if I, um?”

“Go for it.” Kai says, trying not to give away the way his dick strains when Julian shoves his underwear down and there he is.  Kai doesn’t feel embarrassed when he does the same.

“Fuck,” Julian curses, “you have no idea how hot you look, touching yourself like that.” He sits back down on the bed, places a hand on Kai’s wrist and if that touch doesn’t set Kai’s entire being on fire.  Julian kisses him again and then the bed rises like he’s leaving, and the thought almost makes Kai stop masturbating and follow him, nakedness be damned, but the bathroom door’s reopening and Julian’s carrying a couple of things, “so it doesn’t ruin the mood later.”

Julian curls up next to him and places another couple of kisses on his lips, before sliding his mouth down Kai’s neck, stomach, pricking at his skin with his mouth and Kai fucking loses everything.  For a second, he think’s he’s come, but it’s just Julian.

“You might want to hold out for the next bit.” He feels Julian say in between kisses pressed against his stomach.  He doesn’t even dare to hope before Julian’s kissing at his fingertips, breath torturing the head of Kai’s cock.  He prises Kai’s fingers off his dick with his tongue, staying excruciatingly close, hot breath rippling over the nerve endings both the best and worst feeling Kai has ever felt.

“Please,” he breathes out, “god, please, Jule,” and that’s all it takes for Julian to replace Kai’s hand with his mouth.  He knows Jule is going to give him hell for it later, but he can’t bring himself to care when Julian is gently swirling his tongue over the head of Kai’s cock.

“Fuck,” he swears when Julian starts taking more of him into his mouth.  It’s warm, and wet, and Kai is fucking _deceased, he must be, he must be in heaven because there’s no way this is real life and that Julian Brandt is actually sucking his dick._ His stomach tightens threateningly and no, he can’t come yet, “Jule,” he says, pulling at the older man’s blonde hair, running it between his fingers to calm himself down.

“Everything okay?” Julian kisses him gently.

“Yeah, I just didn’t want to come.” Kai glances down, embarrassed, to be greeted by Julian’s hard cock and shit, he’s stranded in no man’s land now. “Sorry, I---.

Julian shushes him. “It’s okay.  I have a couple of ideas of what I could do instead?”

“What are they?”

“Well, I could continue sucking you off, or I could stroke you or… I could fuck you?”

Kai moans out an agreement to the last one, turning over and placing his head on the pillow as he hears Julian move around him.  His boyfriend presses a kiss to the curve of his shoulder blade, roaming his hands over Kai’s lower back, upper thighs and then finally his ass, squeezing it gently before Kai hears the sound of the lube.

He presses his face into the pillow, almost cutting off his oxygen supply as Julian works a finger into him.  His skin starts to crawl. His throat closes.  His heart starts thumping so hard he’s surprised Julian can’t hear it.  Blood swims to his brain in panic and suddenly it’s _horrible_ , it’s Oscar all over again and Kai almost blacks out with a pained yelp.

“Kai?  Kai?” The feeling of Julian’s finger disappears and suddenly his boyfriend is back up next to him, stroking his hair and god, Kai’s eyes burn with the tears he can’t prevent falling, because he’s _ruined this_ and Julian’s going to think he’s such a freak.  “Baby, is everything okay?”

“Yeah.” Kai gets out before sniffing.

“Hey, hey, hey, Kai, baby,” Julian says, pulling Kai into his chest and god he’s so good and safe and warm and Kai is the worst person in the world for riling him up like that and letting him down.  “Schatz, what is it?”

“I’m sorry,” Kai chokes, “I---, fuck, you must hate me.”

“No, never,” Julian kisses the side of his head, “do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t even get it, I’m such an idiot!” Kai says without thinking, “I’ve had sex in between and I don’t know why it came back now!”

“What is it?”

“It’s just--- Oscar.  He pressed me up against the pillow and I couldn’t breathe, and I know you did it by accident, but the feeling of suffocation and you in me was too real and too familiar so I just freaked out and, fuck, I’ve ruined it.”

“You haven’t ruined anything.” Julian says, and the raw emotion in his voice is just, well, Kai doesn’t know what to do with that.  “I’m happy to wait as long as I need to until you’re ready.  I’m sorry,” he kisses Kai’s forehead and it’s so soft and gentle and god, Kai is in _love_ for the first time in his life.  “Thank you for stopping me.  I don’t know what I would’ve done if I’d fucked you and you’d told me this afterwards.”

“I wouldn’t have thought any less of you.” Kai says quietly.

“Maybe you wouldn’t, but I would’ve.  You’re the most precious thing in my life, I can’t do that to you.”  Julian lifts Kai’s head until he can reach his lips.  It’s almost sneaky, and in retaliation Kai swings a leg over Julian’s, lining up their cocks that, judging by the look on Julian’s face, are definitely both still up for the challenge.

“I might not be ready for you to fuck me, but I can think of something else we could do.”

“What might that be?” Julian smirks.

“Maybe I could slide down and suck your dick?”

Julian moans and that’s all it takes for Kai to start working his way down Julian's body, stopping to pepper kisses on the tiny, muted red birthmark on the older man's hip.  He doesn’t tease when he gets level with his cock, because Julian is so fucking amazing and he can’t do that to him (not this time, anyway).  He takes Julian almost whole into his mouth, marvelling at the familiar yet surprising feeling of a cock in his mouth, revelling in the delicious moan of his name Julian lets out when he flicks his tongue over the slit.  His boyfriend is already wet with pre-come and the remains of his orgasm earlier and it’s the most arousing thing Kai has ever tasted.

He isn’t expecting Julian to lift one of his legs until he is lying on one side and take his cock into his mouth.  He moans the older’s name onto his cock and Julian fucks his mouth in response, and no, Kai won’t let Julian have all the power, so he thrusts back until they work up a rhythm that is basically the culmination of all of Kai’s repressed fantasies, fantasies he’d dismissed as too improbable to bear thinking about.

In hindsight, he knows he’s a dumbass.

He’s distracted by Julian groaning out something that sounds suspiciously like a warning.  He pulls himself out of Julian’s mouth and turns himself, just so he can see Julian’s face when he comes.  His boyfriend’s tongue is flicking over the head of Kai’s cock when suddenly his face contorts and he comes and _holy fucking shit if Julian during orgasm isn’t the most beautiful thing Kai has ever seen._

(Aside from that time Julian wore a suit and Kai hopes he doesn’t again soon because he just about stopped himself from getting hard the last time and knows that now, he’ll probably get an erection in public.  He’d never considered himself for daring to have semi-public sex, but Julian is just so fucking attractive).

“You look so good,” he just about gets out before his orgasm is ripped from him.  Julian licks some of it away and when Kai comes to, a little bit is dribbling from the edge of Julian’s lip and yeah, Kai’s really, really fucked.

“Where did you learn to suck dick like that?” He says instead, because Julian is now _licking_ Kai’s come from his fingers and okay, Kai wasn’t prepared for that.

“Lucky guess.” Julian smirks.  He’s still licking his damn fingers.

A little while later, after Kai has mumbled Julian’s praises and Julian’s kissed him senseless, Julian gets up to grab a towel (Kai takes the moment to recompose himself because Julian is going to get round three at this rate).  When he collapses down, he pulls Kai into his chest with an ease that implies they’ve been together a hundred nights.

(Kai wants a lot more than a hundred nights).

“Jule--,” Kai says.  He feels the weight of the moment wash over him and god, it’s amazing.

“Yes?”

“You’re _it_ for me.  You’re everything that I’ve waited for, and I’m an idiot for taking this long to realise it, so I’ve got a lot of making up to do for that.  But seriously, like I said earlier, deep down, it’s always been you.”

Julian looks struck dumb.

“Do you remember when I used to joke that I didn’t do emotions?”

Julian nods.

“I did, I just didn’t know it because they weren’t for the person I was with.  So, I’m telling you now: Kai Havertz does do emotions, but only when they’re for you, and one day, I will be ready to let you fuck me and it will be special because you’re so special and fuck, I’m rambling--,”

“If that’s you rambling, then I want you to do nothing else for the rest of your life.”

 _‘I can get on board with that,’_ Kai thinks when Julian starts grinning at him with _love_ in his eyes and he just has to tell him again, cherishing the way Julian’s eyes spark every time Kai repeats it.

He wonders if his do the same.

Julian kisses him. 

Kai reckons he’s got quite a lot of time to find out.

**Author's Note:**

> • I really didn't like how this turned out but hey, I tried.  
> • Unfortunately, I have to study for exams so I won't be writing any more full-length fics until July. However, stay tuned to a potential oneshot book!  
> • Thank you for reading♡


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